You know what really engulfs my throat in flames? Spicy food.
Spicy food is simply never a good idea. From the time you order to the time you are reading your favorite magazine on the porcelain throne, you regret your spicy decision.
Spicy food is secretive, too. I cannot count the number of times I have ordered only to be told there was a little pepper next to that particular menu item. That’s when the regret begins.
Before long I’m thinking, “How am I going to stomach this and not cry?” There’s nothing worse than crying in front of an entire restaurant of strangers. Who cares if your friends see you tear up; in fact, it would probably strengthen your bond.
Strangers on the other hand, could be anyone. Do you think your future boss is going to hire future you now that he’s seen you cry? Doubtful. Even your future wife, who was just about to buy you a drink, now sits in the rafters. One spicy dish and all of a sudden you’re alone and unemployed.
If by some power of dark magic or sorcery you’ve managed to choke down that super-hot, flaming meal that comes with a warning from the FDA, congrats — but the pain has only just begun, my naive friend.
Right around the time you reach for the bill, your dinner will be reaching for your stomach lining. By that I mean it will quickly kick whatever else you got going on in there out, and start repeatedly punching you from the inside.
This excruciating process has been enough for some men to throw in the towel. Run home and fall asleep before your meal claims any more casualties. The feeling of everything on your inside wanting to be on your outside has ended many a date and gentleman's evening for myself; ain’t no shame in it.
You powered through the pain? Well played, good sir. Now get home and grab a good book, because you’re going to have some time to read.
Now make sure you find a seat that is comfortable for you. I prefer a private bathroom, maybe with a padded cover and some shaggy rugs, but who am I. Set up shop, and don’t be surprised if what was spicy going in is just as spicy coming out.
After this process, I recommend a quick shower. Just to cool down your core temperature if nothing else.
Long story short, spicy food is the worst. It tastes terrible, is painful to consume and is only good if you ingested something with a Mr. Yuck sticker on it. Spicy food will clean out your system, sure, but hopefully that is not a regular need for you.
