Armpit Hair is Everyone's Problem

We need to talk about something really hairy: armpit hair. Everyone is born with it, and everyone needs to shave it.

It’s time for armpit hair to go. It only exists to collect foul cauldrons of sweat, grime and odor strong enough to befuddle the minds of everyone within a hundred-foot radius. 

Just talk to anyone who had to play basketball in middle school P.E. I’m sure you know how it goes. You’re dribbling the ball down the court, so excited that you finally have a chance to prove your mediocre skills. Against all odds, you’ve made it to the hoop. Just as you’re jumping to make a “perfect” three-pointer, Gavin stops you. No, not with his hands, but by blocking your entire face with his armpit. That’s when his swamp of armpit hair squelches along your cheek, leaving a trace of disgrace along its way. 

If you didn’t experience this event with a Gavin, it was bound to happen from the likes of a Jason, Esteban or Connor. It may have even occurred with a Chloe, Rachel or Andrea. If you don’t remember an encounter like this, chances are that you were one of them. In that case, I implore you to shave your armpit hair for the good of those around you. You might also notice a beneficial decrease in itchiness and sweat stains as well as an increase in airflow and date offers.

Armpit hair isn’t just a lady issue either, though there has been a social stigma against women having armpit hair for hundreds of years. According to Allure’s “A Retrospective Look at Women's Body Hair in Pop Culture” Roman poet Ovid urged women to shave by saying, “no rude goat find[s] his way beneath your arms.” Well, no “rude goat” should find its way beneath any arm. Armpit hair is unhygienic for everyone. 

We all have armpit hair, but what we make of it is what defines us. Be known as a kind and cleanly soul - shave that armpit hair.