5 Inch Shorts

Culture Editors Note:

Hey Bobcats, before you storm the office with pitchforks looking for Alyssa or I, we would like to say that we both believe that you should wear anything that brings you joy and makes you feel like your best self. This head to head is simply meant to be a funny take on the viral TikTok trend of 5-inch shorts. No matter your opinion on the piece of clothing, we hope you have a fantastic summer freeing the knee in any length of shorts you feel exceptional in.

As the semester comes to a close and warm spring air moves in, our days are getting longer, but our pants have gotten shorter. It’s the time of the year when we all get to bust out our coolest jorts, skirts and perhaps even some shorts with a 5-inch inseam.

What is the 5-inch short, you may be asking? Well, let me womansplain this concept to you for a second. The 5-inch short is simply a short that falls 4-6 inches above the knee with a 5-inch inseam and is classically preferred by runners. However, this trend has hit the streets, and the 5-inch short TikTok trend blossomed among all crowds of people.

That's gonna be a no for me.

By Emma Fry

My first complaint is simply, the audacity. MSU is a family-friendly establishment, and the amount of thigh on display is simply “distracting” as my high school principal would say. It might just send your fellow classmates into a hormonally-driven spiral, unable to recover in time for finals.

To individuals who have yet to experience getting in a car and having your thighs first cook on the leather seats, then become stuck to them, unable to peel them off without the most awful sound to accompany it. Prepare yourselves to be personally victimized, if you are to choose the route of 5-inch shorts.

If one does choose to expose their thighs as such, then the topic of thigh tattoos has to be discussed. I feel like every male that chooses to wear 5-inch shorts has also sat in some dungeon tattoo parlor and thought to himself, “You know what? I do want a stopwatch the size of my ENTIRE thigh on my body and a pine tree on the other side. You know, to really balance it out.” May I suggest you simply combine the two and have the trees be the hands of the clock? If you want a drawing of my amazing idea, hit me up. We can discuss, but I will conduct a formal psychological evaluation first.

Another thought: even if you are hitting the gym hard you must be a cyclist with absolute beasts of thighs and the correct short tan lines for 5-inch shorts. If not, you look like an escaped vampire on the loose from Transylvania.

Due to inherent sexism in the fashion industry, men are blessed with an incredible number and depth of pockets in your pants. If you are wearing 5-inch shorts, you will soon realize why women feel the need to carry a purse. Pockets are a privilege, not a right. Also, If I have to spend an extra 20 minutes in the shower shaving my legs for society to deem my choice of excessively exposed thigh acceptable, then I think guys should as well.

Now, to my short kings, this might be the option for you as they will elongate the leg; however, to my tall boys, who are all legs, I suggest a longer short so that it will marry your top and lower half. A little less newborn giraffe?

Finally, the runways are preaching longer board-short styles at the moment. Who doesn't love a classic surfer-boy look? Now, I am in no way saying that guys should embrace their inner Adam Sandler, but seven inches is the perfect length in which to frolic around. Seven inches, perfect for any summer adventure without worrying about any wardrobe malfunctions or unfortunate sunburns.

Bring on the short shorts

By Alyssa Starr

Within the last couple of years, the hemline on men's clothing has gotten the axe, as their shorts seem to get shorter every year. The rising popularity of men in 5-inch inseam shorts is controversial to some, but definitely not to me.

First off, the shorter the short, the more comfortable you will feel during the hot summer months. A 5-inch inseam is simply more effective at circulating fresh air to a sweaty butt. Especially when you compare the new and trendy 5-inch inseam to a giant pair of Adam-Sandler-style basketball shorts.

As a woman myself, the inseams on my shorts have always been shorter than those of men. Even when I was a little girl, it seemed like the longest pair of shorts I could buy was around a 5-inch inseam. So, if women and girls are expected to show off their legs during summer, why aren’t men? I mean, who doesn’t love to see some tanned legs?

With the rise of gym bros came the rise in popularity of the 5-inch short. With more people focused on maintaining their physical and mental health, who wouldn’t like the opportunity to show off the legs they have worked so hard at the gym for?

Another thing that a shorter inseam lets people show off is their new thigh tattoos. Honestly, I’m not sure if these guys have always had thigh tattoos or if they are only now just getting them to accessorize their outfits when paired with a 5-inch inseam. Either way, I’m here for it. Clearly, thigh tattoos are the new arm sleeves.

When a man steps out in 5-inch inseams, he is not only telling the world, “I am confident in my body,” but also “I love to follow the latest fads and trends in fashion.” In a college town like Bozeman where most everyone keeps up to date with pop culture and trends, what other piece of clothing could more than double your rizz level? None. The answer is no other piece of clothing could raise one’s rizz levels quite like a pair of 5-inch inseam shorts.

In terms of suntanning, you will have a better tan line on your legs. Of course, it will probably still look like a farmer's tan, but at least your thigh tattoo will have some color around it.

So as the sun keeps shining, the weather gets warmer and the days get longer, don’t be afraid to let your inseams get shorter. Obviously, there is much to be said about the benefits when our inseams rise up the leg. Lots of people, including myself, are full of excitement and anticipation to see what the men of Bozeman were able to accomplish during their leg days this winter.

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