DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.
Students gaped in awe on Wednesday, March 31, as they witnessed quite possibly the most stunning phenomenon to occur on campus since, well, ever: an unidentified man simultaneously pushing himself down Centennial Mall in a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe® and yodeling with the full capacity of his lungs.
The breathtaking performance was designed to be the culmination of a series of musical ‘pop-up’ events hosted around campus by the music department to cheer up students as they near the end of a stressful semester. Burdened by the COVID-19 pandemic, deprived of vernal breaks from class and overloaded by countless rays of blue light pouring into their eyeballs from time spent in online classes (but mostly from time streaming Netflix), it seemed that students were becoming numb to the wonders of the world around them. What better way to remedy the dour mood, professor Harm Onica of the music department and orchestrator of the musical ‘pop-up’ thought, than to surprise students moping around Centennial Mall with a moving display of majesty.
“I was spinning in circles at high speed with my legs scrunched up in my office chair one night, as I often do when seeking solutions to perplexing issues, when the idea for the performance came to mind,” Onica said. “I simply could not fathom a more effective way of lightening the mood than giving students the opportunity to be captivated by the sight and sound of such an incredible vocalist in such a brilliantly-crafted acoustic vehicle.”
The vocalist, who was later identified as none other than Mace-un Ramse, a famous yodeler hailing from the distant land of Golconda, Illinois, created an original composition exclusively for his MSU performance. Ramse spent time thinking retrospectively about his career, which skyrocketed from his first Grunge-Mart performance to the landmark program on Wednesday, as he was formulating his exclusive piece.
“I found my inspiration for this yodel as I was reminiscing on the melodious echoes of Grunge-Mart interiors and reflecting on the trials and tribulations of my youth,” Ramse said with his characteristic country twang. “This composition is, in a word, pure sauce.”
With a committed vocalist and a fine-tuned musical work of art in hand, all Onica needed was to get his hands on a Cozy Coupe®, one of the most coveted items in the musical world. He stole it from his daughter, told her he needed it for a top-secret mission and would later return it, though he had no intentions to do so, and jetted off to campus. Thus “The spectacle on the mall,” the title of Ramse’s composition, unfolded. It was indeed captivating, as the university was forced to delay classes an hour after students who witnessed the performance, which lasted approximately two minutes, stood rooted in place on the mall too awestruck by what they had seen to move an inch.
“Wow,” one student reportedly said.
When Ramse concluded his performance, he simply vanished into thin air, coupe and all. He has been missing since then. Some speculate he has embarked on a spiritual journey to Valhalla to comprehend the true depth of his yodeling composition, which even he doesn’t understand. Onica, who some believe is privy to Ramse’s plans, offered no comment on the matter. The artist’s audience is left wondering, as one student said, “Where is he? And what will he do next?”
Though the performance was intended to be the last and most stunning of MSU’s musical ‘pop-ups,’ it appears the university is in for one final spectacle. On Tuesday, April 6, at 7:20 p.m., MSU students have planned to congregate at the east end of Centennial Mall to host a yodeling procession of their own. Fliers around campus are instructing students to ‘pull up’ on the mall with their own cozy coupe (office chairs will do) to join their peers as they scoot and yodel west into the sunset, a tribute to the miracle of March 31.