DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.
In recent breaking news, the South and North Hedges Resident Assistants (RAs) have confirmed that they are joining the Amazon delivery union in a strike over unfair work practices. The weekly requirement of creating and distributing “fun bags” has been deemed an unsafe working environment by the disgruntled RAs. Gov. Gianfarté has called in Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspectors to review the situation. President Wazado is also being called in for questioning but was not available for comment when this article was published. It is unclear if the University will cease to function without the continued involvement of the Hedges RAs. Wazado has requested that all upperclassmen assist in directing any lost or disoriented freshman toward classrooms, dining halls or bathrooms until the RA strike has ended.
The RAs have issued a list of demands that has been submitted to the Office of the President. While they denied our request to view the demands on account of “university security concerns,” we were granted an exclusive interview with Wayne Dilliams, anointed leader of the revolt. “We want respect, we want consideration and we don't want to make anymore f***ing fun bags!” Dilliams exclaimed. While Amazon is litigating against their own unionizing workers, sources close to Wazado, as well as senior officials in residence life, have disclosed that she is also considering a legal battle to end the revolt.
Dilliams described his group of fed up RAs as “resilient, tenacious and ready for a long fight.” No one can predict how long this standoff will last but, in the meantime, the bathrooms of the Hedges go un-patrolled and the dorm rooms go un-searched. Support for the strike has only risen since the public announcement of the start, as Langford and Hapner RAs have also deserted their posts and joined the campus-wide protest.