Mark your calendars on April 8 for the impending American apocalypse. With life in the United States facing impending doom as a result of John Bolton taking over as President Trump’s National Security Advisor, people are rushing to build their nuclear-proof barricades, flee the country and finish their bucket lists.


With only 11 days left, there is no reason to procrastinate on anything. Still in love with a high school girlfriend? There’s no reason not to call her now, because instead of living with the pain of rejection forever, this time around will only last a few days. Always wanted to travel? Better be quick, before borders no longer allow access to American refugees. Tickets to every country (besides Russia) are selling quick as citizens anticipate every other country leaving the United States to its doom.


Ever been hiking or seen a bear? People are rushing to do any sightseeing within the United States, and are visiting the Grand Canyon or Yellowstone Park before these natural landmarks are nothing but dust in the wind. Want to go skydiving? There’s no reason not to now. Before, the risks might have outweighed the benefits of this particular activity. But now, buy a session with no fear, as the possibility of a faulty parachutes turning one into sidewalk art seems preferable to dying by retaliatory nuclear weapons.


As President Trump hires someone who sees war with North Korea as his first priority, and an attack-first protocol as a policy initiative, someone who still believes the war in Iraq was a worthwhile ordeal, Americans should no longer be skittish about facing their phobias and insecurities or indulging in their lifelong desires. With Bolton taking over as National Security Advisor, the evident American heat-death by way of World War III proves that Americans have achieved optimal security and success in having Fox News less-than-pundits filling White House appointments. At least no one from Fox and Friends, took the position, because we’d already be dead.