DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.
There is so much about our great university that deserves recognition: the Spectrum Lab, the Plant Growth Center and the Museum of the Rockies are just the beginning of a long list of academic features that grace our campus. Unfortunately, hand-in-hand with the list of architectural successes that can proudly withstand snowfall, there is an eyesore that plagues our grounds— the Brick Braden Braden Fieldhouse. The roof of the fieldhouse is simple, unembellished and just plain depressing. A study published on Wednesday, April 1, 2020, by the Organization of Art and Scientific Theory stated, “The emotional impact of plain or bare architecture has more negative impact on bachelor and post-baccalaureate graduation rates than frivolous academic resources such as tutoring or access to library services.”
MSU has a troubled past regarding roofs and, while there are reasonable concerns, it is time for a redemption story. The student body must be rid of the atrocity that is the barren fieldhouse roof. A debate has raged through the Exponent office: should the roof be painted green to blend in with Dyche Field, fitted with solar panels to power a new dining hall or completely removed to create a colosseum aesthetic? An overarching consensus was found: the Brick should be painted with a portrait of our sovereign leader, Crawded Coolzado.
A focus group of 17 Swedish men found that a rendering of Coolzado would be an inspiring source of motivation for academic success. With such a powerful and persuasive backing, a petition, as well as a GoFundMe, was created to spur proactive change regarding the fieldhouse project. In addition to the positive impact on academics and morale, a tribute atop the fieldhouse would be seen by millions per year. Directly in the path of one of the busiest flight routes in the nation, the face of our president would touch the hearts of every passenger.
Universities across the nation that have applied a similar concept have seen a marked improvement in school spirit as well as graduation rates — more importantly, they have seen a significant rise in overall attendance. If our admission rates go up, tuition rates will lower at an equivalent pace. To further this point, Schwilliam Shatner, CEO of Architectural Designs and Innovations, LLC. confirmed, in an interview with The New Times Roman,that, “Images of people, specifically facial features, look 74.99% better on curved or domed surfaces as opposed to flat surfaces.” The evidence is almost irrefutable. The academic and financial benefits of Crawded’s face, coupled with the perfect domed surface of the roof, give the tragedy of the Brick Braden Braden Fieldhouse a foolproof solution. Not to mention, if our president were to start balding for any reason, the fieldhouse could take on a new nickname — #ChromeDome