Are you seeking out for love on this Valentine's Day? Read and enjoy this one-of-a-kind advice column from two of the Exponent's staff. If you carefully follow these instructions, you are sure to find your soulmate in no time.
How to Find a Wife
By Brendan Kristiansen
We’ve all heard it: college is one of the most important investments you can make in life. While this fact may be true, it is for a different reason than you may believe; your primary purpose in college is not to get a degree in a field that excites you. As I was dropped off as a freshman, my mother made sure I was aware of this. As we were moving my belongings into my tiny room in Langford Hall, she said, “Maybe you’ll meet a nice girl here!” While 18-year-old me may have scoffed and ignored such a preposterous thought, I have come to realize that she was exactly correct — the most important part of college is finding companionship.
I am proud to announce that I have succeeded in this front and am happily engaged as of last October. Seeing as though I am now the least single person working for the Exponent, I feel it is my duty to share my experiences and help the readers in their quest for a wife.
The first step in finding a suitable wife is weeding out everybody that is going to get upset over small hiccups in a relationship. I took care of this by starting my relationship off with a lie. When my fiancée and I first met, “Rogue One” was just released to theaters. We are both “Star Wars” fans and decided to wait to see “Rogue One” together as a date. Little did she know that I had already seen it with my cousins. When she found out, she was not upset as you may expect; she was overcome with relief and told me that she had also watched it already with her mom. Nobody was upset or angry over a tiny white lie, meaning it was safe to test the waters further.
The most important part of any relationship is the woman’s patience for the man’s nonsense. I highly recommend testing this as early as possible. Personally, I found success in giving my significant other a case of mono. While the sickness may not be a direct strain on a young relationship, the quality of care you provide can be. If you choose to attempt this, instead of cooking her soup, invite her over while you manage your drunk vomiting roommates. If she sticks around longer than a month or two, she’s definitely a keeper.
After she has recovered from the crippling case of mono, you need to begin embracing your mutual interests. This can be anything — music, books, or in my case, movies. The only stipulation is that you make absolutely sure that she’s as serious about it as you are. Seeing as
we both love “Star Wars”, I offered to watch the entire series with her. Only 10 minutes into “The Phantom Menace”, she was put off by my commentary on how underrated the prequels are and how the Trade Federation is a critical component of the “Star Wars” universe leading up to the fall of The Republic. Because of my display of enthusiasm, it has been nearly impossible to get her to watch any movies with me for the past three years. Although she was not amused by my commentary, she allowed me to continue rambling, meaning she was secretly interested.
After you have proven your compatibility with each other, the final step in securing a lifelong companion is courtship. Get creative and show your significant other why you are a worthy partner. The effectiveness of your display increases exponentially if you can manage to demonstrate this in many ways at once. For example, women love men who know how to manage money. I demonstrated this skill by surprising my fiancée with items from the Taco Bell dollar menu, even though her favorite item on the menu is more expensive. With all the money I saved, I purchased filament for my 3-D printer and printed her multiple plastic cats, which are now scattered around her apartment. In just that one act, I demonstrated that I know how to save money, I’m good at creating things, and I’m an animal lover just like her — no wonder I convinced her to marry me!
All of my advice may seem strange and counter-intuitive, but I can assure you that the above strategy has been tested and proven to work by yours truly. Now that I have convinced (or tricked — you decide) the sweetest person on Earth to marry me, I can finally focus on the second most important part of my career at MSU: a degree in computer science.
How to Find a Husband
By Quincy Balius
While I have less experience in finding a husband in college than Brendan does in finding a wife, I have gathered information from a variety of other sources. Some of my best friends have both attended college and gotten married, and I believe that their methods will serve my peers well.
The first step to finding a husband in college is to present yourself well. Use class attendance as a way to court eligible males through perfecting your appearance. Make sure to wake up several hours early each day so that you have enough time to attire yourself in a ballgown, arrange your hair into an appropriate coiffure, and apply a full face of makeup. Always show your best self to the men in your classes, who will constantly be judging you and evaluating you as a marriage prospect. Of course, you should be wearing white, lacy gloves so that they don’t catch a glimpse of your delicate elbow and long skirts to prevent any hint of ankle. Scandalous!
The second step is to ask men about their intentions for you on your first date. While it may have been fashionable to be coy in earlier eras, men are no longer willing to play games. Instead, introduce frank honesty into the conversation as soon as you lock down a romantic prospect. Inform him of the quality of your dowry and inquire as to the size of his estate, find out if he owns a trebuchet. Men love commitment from women. Your beau will undoubtedly admire your open nature and willingness to settle down.
The third step is to compare yourself to other women. You should subtly remind the object of your affections about the flaws of all of the women around you. Make sure to insult other women’s weight, hair, makeup and clothing. If you are able to properly tear down other ladies, you will look far better by comparison. Men need to know that you are the prettiest and best woman in the room. How will he know if you do not remind him frequently of every minor problem of everyone else?
The final and most important step is to carefully avoid learning anything in college. Men do not want smart women. To quote YouTuber Jakhara Smith, “If you have too big of a brain, it means you have ugly things like opinions and thoughts of your own.” Instead, buy an extravagant quill pen, sit in the middle of the class and gaze vacantly at the object of your affections. Fluttering your eyelashes increases the chance that he will notice your admiring stare and approach you.
Your conversation should include only such topics as the weather, the latest fashions and his personal interests. Do not discuss anything “intellectual” and remember that your aim is to find a husband, not pursue any kind of education. You should be a demure housewife, not some kind of radical hussy.
If you carefully follow these instructions, you are sure to find your soulmate in no time. Just remember, ladies: it’s all about getting that husband.
* This article is satirical, results may vary