Graduation is on the horizon. Robes have been bought, the program double and triple checked by every anxious senior, and prayers to pass with just enough necessary to graduate echo through every academic hall.

One thing, though, is severely lacking: graduation tassels.

MSU has a policy for Bachelor’s candidates regarding the colors of the tassels as they correspond to GPA (gold for above 3.7, blue for 3.25-3.69, and black for the rest). This means that, staring out into the sea of excited graduates, one can easily pick out the best from the rest. But is it enough?

Far be it from me to complain about new and exciting ways to stratify my class and put a damper on what should be a celebration of achievement of any merit, but I simply want everyone to know that I got an arbitrary number, that will only matter to grad schools past May 4, 2019, slightly higher than everyone else. Thus, a proposal: Instead of tassels, why not get colored robes?

Imagine seeing a sea of shining gold, mediocre blue and boring black robes instead of having to squint to see who got what. If we had color-coded robes, we could really hammer in the fact that some of us matter more than others.

People have proposed keeping these designations in the program, and making all the tassels black, as to remember that we “all worked hard no matter what we got” yadda yadda. Poppycock to that, I say! Why should it matter that the effort someone put in for their 3.0 was the same as my 3.7? Why should we care that the standards between teachers, classes and majors may have meant that a 3.7 in one degree was easier to obtain than a 3.5 in another?

Others have suggested color coding tassels to the college we graduate from. As if anyone can possibly remember all those colleges? Yeah, right. Next, we’ll have color-coded master’s hoods and doctoral tams. That would be pure anarchy!

If I can’t get the last laugh over my classmates with a tassel I’ll inevitably hang over my rear-view mirror that will fade by the end of summer into a washed-out beige, what’s the point of graduating at all? I want to make my friends feel inferior due to their upbringing in a society that values pure numbers over actual effort, and I especially want to ruin their big day by reminding them of the fact that my meaningless number was higher than theirs.

It’s not enough to now who’s better than who, we need visual evidence. Colored robes would do all this, and match the campy, ugly feel of the rest of the graduation regalia, too. My ugly colored robe could match its unflattering cut.

Naturally, we’d keep the mortarboards black. We wouldn’t want to get too ostentatious now, would we?

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