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Soap. You might be familiar with it from the last time you went to the bathroom or when you first cursed around your mom. Now, during the pandemic, it has become an unsung hero, sulking in the shadows as hand sanitizer takes all the glory. Through it all, soap has done its job to keep us clean, but soap is not just soap. 

Soap does a particular job based on its function. It is categorized by names so people understand where it can best serve its purpose. It was never meant to have an identity crisis by having “two-in-one” labels slapped onto it.

Two-in-one is the biggest disgrace in the name of soap that the world has ever seen. It is rumored that before Washington crossed the Delaware, he used a beautiful bar of castile soap to make his skin sparkle. As we all know, sparkling is a good way to scare away the Brits. Washington used one kind of soap. If he had wanted to wash his hair, he would have been sophisticated and used shampoo, then lathered on a conditioner, not some blasphemous two-in-one sham.

For some reason, a certain category of people think that two-in-one soap is acceptable (and you can tell by the way they smell). Who are these people? Men. No, not all men. Many men are very clean and aware that different soaps have different duties. However, if you ever walk down the “Bath and Body” aisle of your local grocery store, the fragrant, brightly colored bottles of soaps, shampoos, conditioners and body washes are placed in the female section and the ominous, two-in-one (or heaven forbid, three-in-one) bottles sit somberly in the men’s section.

For all you men out there who buy into the idea of two-in-one, let me inform you: there’s no better way to destroy a romantic relationship than to have your (possible) significant other wash up in your bathroom and spot a two-in-one bottle squatting on the shower rack. It’s human instinct to want a clean, tidy mate. Two-in-one soap goes against that instinct. 

So, ladies and gents, give yourselves a better chance of scaring away the Brits and attracting a mate. Clean yourselves with body soap, wash your hair with shampoo and polish it all off with a conditioner. Honor soap and soap will honor you.

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