The 2019 college bribery scandal marked a vital moment in American history, in which our nation confronted a serious issue with the privileges of wealth in our society. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. If MSU could convince some of those wealthy parents with spare cash to toss it at our admissions officials rather than those of other universities, we could profit greatly. Imagine the amazing things we could do to benefit this campus with a few thousand extra dollars.

A renegade group of alumni, tired of carrying the heavy burden of financing MSU, has assembled a plan to utilize the cash of movie stars and millionaires through convincing them to consider MSU for their ill-fitted children. Through this plan, MSU admissions officials would accept the bribes of these wealthy men and women. This would take the pressure off the alumni and provide MSU with a steady cash flow that could be utilized for a myriad of important university reforms.

Some may complain that this violates academic integrity and betrays the spirit of our school, but just think of what an influx of cash could do for MSU. If we choose not to begin enticing the money of morally corrupt millionaires to MSU, we will have to deal with the consequences. This could mean increasing tuition, skyrocketing rates of room and board, and miscellaneous other fees. Do we want to take these costs upon ourselves, or do we want to pawn them off onto aging media moguls and washed-up actresses?

Consider this:

  • The recent roof collapse has left the Marga Hosaeus Fitness Center in a shambles

  • Admitting the child of a high-powered executive or two would go a long way toward offsetting the cost of the new freshman housing.

  • Readily available funds would also boost MSU’s image. This money could be put toward marketing for MSU to make the school more attractive.

  • Gifts could also finance small scholarships for students who would actually work hard in college.

  • Most importantly, the MSU football team merits far more funding and praise than they currently receive. As an absolutely stellar football team, they don’t deserve to be relegated to the back corridors of college obscurity.  The additional cash flow would provide key additional resources for the team like new uniforms, field-side buffets, and a gold-embossed football. We could even further celebrate the team with some large statues of Head Coach Geoff Choaterboat placed at either end of the Brick Breeden Fieldhouse.

Time and time again, American colleges have shown themselves to be easily swayed by a dollar or two. Why shouldn’t MSU cash in on this windfall trend?