Pain, bruises and sore knees: a guide for the beginner skier

A couple of weeks ago I ventured over to Great Divide Ski Area near Helena for a day of skiing. Now, you may be wondering why I drove two hours to ski and the answer is simple. At that point, I had never skied before. I did not want to show my face at Bridger Bowl or Big Sky while I tumbled down the mountain. So, my roommate and former boss Grace Larsen set out to ski a smaller mountain. 

My day started great. I slept well, got a yummy coffee and breakfast sandwich from the local Starbucks and jammed out to countless classic Taylor Swift songs en route to Great Divide. We arrived at a full parking lot but luckily found a spot close to the lodge. We walked up the driveway, I paid $85 for my lift ticket and rentals, got situated and we were on our way to the first lift.

Right when we got in line for the lift, every sense of confidence I had evaporated. I looked ahead and saw the chair lift swinging violently around, picking people up and carrying them away. When I saw this, I knew I was in for a world of pain.

Grace and I made it onto the lift with a surprising amount of ease (she did have the lift operator slow it down so, shhh). As we traveled up the mountain, the coaching began. Grace instructed me how to properly get off a chair lift: “Point your skies toward the sky and push yourself off,” she said. “Then just glide so you get out of the way.” Easier said than done. This marked my first of many crashes.

For the rest of my day, I spent most of my time on the ground in a heap or chasing my run-away skies. When I was upright, I was what the experienced skiers call “pizza-ing” down the hill, causing an indescribable amount of knee, hip and groin pain. Meanwhile, every time Grace said “pizza” in her positive, ski instructor voice, all I could think about was consuming an entire Thai Pie from McKenzie River.

It took me a whopping 90 minutes to make it down a green circle. Little tikes were flying by me as I lay on my back, looking at the sky, contemplating walking myself down the hill to sit in the lodge and knock back a few PBRs. But alas, I notched my boot back into my ski and glided 10 feet before I ate it and rolled about 10 more feet.

See, I tried to get better., I channeled my inner Lindsey Vonn when I would be in control for more than 10 seconds, chanting “Lindsey” in some sort of sacrilegious way. I ended up making a few runs before I finally called it quits so Grace wouldn’t feel like she was wasting her time.

I spent the rest of my day enjoying overpriced canned domestic beers reflecting on my experience. I thought about how much skiing sucks. It is not fun. It causes an incalculable amount of pain that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. So, if you’ve never skied before and are thinking about learning how? Don’t do it. Save your money and do something more fun in the summer like fish, camp, hike, bike or kayak. You’ll thank me later.