In wake of an issue sweeping the nation, NCAA President Stin G. Mann signed a one-of-a-kind mandate earlier this year demanding universities pay student athletes for their likenesses. The response was anything but expected. MSU immediately saw dividends, as the students being paid picked up their game in all aspects resulting in unparalleled success across the university’s athletics department.

MSU Athletic Director Leanon Costthellno was just as surprised with the reaction, “We’ve seen our football team go undefeated; averaging 48 points per game, our volleyball team never lost a set, and our men’s and women’s basketball teams have both made the final four in the NCAA tournaments,” he said. “This really is a time to be alive.”

Many of those who opposed the mandate have been flabbergasted. U.S. President Ronald Dump couldn’t believe it, “We just couldn’t see how paying our youth for their work would make them want to work harder! I personally work the hardest, no one works harder than me but these children are working very hard.”

Since the decree, GPAs have gone up an average of 0.5 points as student athletes were required to go to class or have their pay be reduced. An astounding number of students are making their way to graduating with honors due to the extra incentive of the added pay. Student athletes are now paid for signing autographs and many are being sponsored by organizations such as Peloton, the new Space Force and Monsanto throughout their college careers ending a debate spanning many decades.

Other universities have seen a large jump in their attendance, too. The University of Montana saw its first increase in attendance in what can only be described as “a long time.” UM’s President Griz Lee Ber was shocked to see the jump, “Just last year we were worried we may lose university standing! Now we are seeing growth for the first time in a long time. We just saw our first jump of 10 students this year! Thrilling times at the U.”

All in all, it seems that mo’ money doesn’t exactly breed mo’ problems. R.I.P. Biggie.