Save a Pineapple, Eat a Pizza

As a foodie, I’m willing to try almost any kind of new food. I’ve tasted dragonfruit, fried octopus, frog legs, and much more. For the most part, I enjoy all the weird and wonderful fare which I’ve savored. However, the buck stops with pineapple pizza.

Pineapple pizza is a sin against humanity. The flavor profile of pineapple pizza is simply wrong. It blends the worst aspects of sweet and savory into one horrible combination. Instead of highlighting the tart sugariness of pineapple and the cheesy deliciousness of pizza, it ruins both by trying too hard. You can no longer taste the lusciousness of pizza. Rather, you are subjected to warm chunks of pineapple and uncomfortably thick hunks of cheese. The sweetness of most marinara sauces only adds to the sickly saccharine taste of the typical Hawaiian pizza.

In addition, pineapple on pizza spoils the traditional pizza texture. The inclusion of fruit on pizza makes the pizza too juicy and wet. The stretchy, cheesy, and bready texture of the pizza is ruined by the soft and stringy texture of the pineapple. While pineapple is wonderful on its own, the combination of the two textures results in an unpleasant blend.

Some of the greatest chefs of our time have taken my side in the pineapple on pizza debate. Gordon Ramsey, British chef and host of such programs as “Kitchen Nightmares”, despises pineapple on pizza. He even asked a pineapple-lover “What the f**k are you doing?” when the man ordered Hawaiian pizza. Chef Anthony Carron of 800 Degrees Pizzeria said that he would never eat pineapple on pizza, “nor would any self-respecting Italian.” Anthony Bourdain, late celebrity chef and host of the television show “Parts Unknown”, said that he would “never defile God’s gift to humanity with the acidic, watery bitterness of pineapple.”

Not only do celebrity chefs agree with me, but I also have the support of the American public. In 2017, the pizza delivery app Slice polled 34,000 people to find out what they thought about pineapple on pizza. 54% of respondents said that pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza. While other polls report support for pineapple on pizza, this poll has the largest sample size of respondents to date.

Celebrity chefs, the American public, and I all agree: pineapple pizza simply doesn’t taste good.