Brewponent: Cuzaldo opens new Langford Bar

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

It has already been a year since MSU announced their plans to build a bar on campus in Langford Hall. Described by MSU President Waldo Cruzaldo as a “passion project” of hers, Cruzaldo has been pushing for the establishment of an official MSU bar ever since she became president more than eight years ago.

“She will stop at nothing to get that bar on campus,” remarked a terrified Board of Regents member following their first official meeting with Cruzaldo in 2010.

Despite healthy enthusiasm for the project, the road to constructing Langford’s bar has been rocky at times. The first complication came when the university announced a campus-wide vote to name the bar. Much to Cruzaldo’s dismay, the top names included choice titles such as “The Natty Daddy Room,” “Dankford” and “Bar.” In an effort to skirt the democratic process, Cruzaldo declared complete control over the naming process and christened the new establishment as “Barzaldo.”

So, one year and $10 million later, The Exponent is proud to give you our exclusive first look at Barzaldo. Upon arriving at Langford, I was immediately astonished by the size of Barzaldo and its looming neon signs promising “good beer, good people, and good times.” Due to the ambition of the project, Barzaldo has forced the university to demolish half of the rooms in Langford to make space for the bar.

As I walked to the entrance, I was stopped by a bouncer wearing all-black clothes. I was taking off-guard when the bouncer tilted her head up and I recognized the intimidating face of Waldo Cruzaldo under a black baseball cap.

“Who do you know here?” Cruzaldo quickly asked before I reminded her that I was invited to write a story for Barzaldo’s opening. After the confusion was resolved, Cruzaldo commenced with an extensive tour that lasted four hours. Barzaldo boasts an impressive selection of every college student’s favorite three beers: PBR, Ranier, and Bud Light Lime.

In addition to beer, Barzaldo also serves cocktails like The Cowboy’s Mimosa and Grape Jagerschnapps. For those trying to watch their weight, Cruzaldo suggests the New Fashioned which is equal parts Everclear and Diet Mountain Dew: Code Red.

To ensure that these cocktails are made perfectly everytime, Cruzaldo installed a controversial policy that created an unprecedented Ph.D in mixology, required RAs to undergo bartender training and forced them work at Barzaldo as part of their duties. These “mixology seminars” are taught by Cruzaldo herself and have resulted in more than one fearful RA.

“President Cruzaldo told us that if we didn’t pass our mixology courses, she would lock us up in the dungeons underneath Wilson Hall,” reported one RA who opted to remain anonymous.

Although Barzaldo hasn’t been without some controversy, the overall atmosphere, selection of drinks and terrific service make the bar a must-see at MSU.