Contentious Campaign Continues: MSU’s Mascot Election

This upcoming fall marks the historic election process for the coveted position of MSU’s mascot, and while some believe Champ has become complacent in his recent re-elections, the reigning mascot feels his competition won't be able to step up to the challenge. A newcomer in the race, Monte "Jeff The Grizzly Bear", has thrown his half-eaten salmon into the ring. Running on a loose school borders program, Jeff has garnered a lot of attention with the freshmen crowd.

Jeff, when asked to elaborate on his policy to let more students from Missoula into MSU, had this to say: “It is unacceptable that our lackadaisical leadership has been so cold to those in need of better locales,” said Jeff.

When he made to reply to his opposition, Champ claimed that “If we start letting in all Missoula students, they're going to want to bring in all their families. Why would we want any Griz in this school anyway? And how can I be cold if the globe is warming? Checkmate, Mr. The Bear.”

Further, Champ decided to introduce a new policy in his campaign for 2018-2019 Mascot, saying that, “Mr. The Bear won't even be able to keep students safe. That's why to keep students safe, I'm proposing that we begin arming professors and faculty with live bears in an effort to protect our students.” When asked how he planned to fund the arming of professors, Champ claimed “I got a sweet deal on some old soviet attack bears from some guy named Pladimir Vutin.”

Currently, the two candidates are preparing for their home stretch for election day on March 32nd, and Champ came out swinging when he announced “I believe that these issues can be solved the old fashioned way, and so I am pleased to announce my vice mascot candidate WWE Superstar Gregg Giantforty.” When asked why he chose the WWE Superstar as a running mate, Champ claimed “I think that this will have to come down to a good ol’ fashioned bout of fisticuffs, and nobody is better at dispatching grizzly opinions.”

The WWE Superstar then added “Grizzlymania is but a grain of sand in the desert that is Macho Man Giantforty.” When asked about his opinions on some of champs views, he stated, “being a wrestler is like being on the treadmill of life, if you get off it just keeps going.”

To date, Mr. The Bear has yet to announce a running mate but hopes that “As long as young people get out and vote on March 32, this race and this madness can be put behind us.”

We at The Exponent want MSU students to make an informed decision so we've gathered some Cat Quips™ from the two opponents on some of the key issues:

Fears that the engineering college will create skynet:

Champ: I'll personally arm wrestle every robot they throw at me

The Bear: *nervous metallic laughter*

Should we add more letters to the M on the mountainside?

The Bear: Are we not promoting illiteracy without more letters?

Champ: The only letters we need are U, S and A. And M.

How will you handle the duck pond’s population problem?

The Bear: Clearly we need more lures to attract the right kind of ducks to our pond.

Champ: I’m going to build a nice big see-through wall so that any new ducks who want to move in will crash into the side.

How will you handle the underfunding of the Humanities programs?

The Bear: All we need to do is reallocate some funds from other programs. Perhaps the engineering programs?

Champ: I thought I drove those nerds out. I need every student to report to their school-mandated pitchfork suppliers.

How will you battle the rising cost of textbooks?

The Bear: Clearly some sort of book recycling program is needed.

Champ: Textbooks? Reading is for people that are too stupid to understand pictures.

How will you address the parking issue?

The Bear: Rather than building more buildings for classrooms, maybe we should start bringing classes to the students.

Champ: I think it's time we lived up to our potential as an engineering school and start strapping spikes to cars to make the demolition derby that we should be having.

How will you keep the sidewalks safe?

The Bear: We will secure the walkways with the copious amounts of salt coming from the people who complain about the icy sidewalks.

Champ: Keep the ice, sort out the weak.