Dear Expie: Not Going the Distance

"Dear Expie" is a semi-weekly, anonymous column answering student questions on relationships troubles, family woes and more. This week, Expie answers questions about long-distance dating and Thanksgiving break plans.

If you’ve got a question for Expie, email ExponentOpinion@montana.edu. All questions are anonymous.

Dear Expie,

I started dating someone in high school, and I realized I don’t want to be in a relationship with them anymore. We’ve been dating for more than a year, and they’re important to me still — just not like that. The problem is, they’re across the country, and I don’t want to wait until winter break. How do I break up with them?

-No Longer Lovesick

So, you’re dating someone long distance and you realize it’s just not going to work out — that’s okay. First things first, don’t feel guilty for wanting to break up with someone. Long-distance relationships aren’t for everyone, and you aren’t a failure if you don’t want to continue dating this way. The last thing you should do is force yourself to stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in out of guilt.

Now that you’ve established you’re ready to break up, let your partner know you need to have a serious conversation with them, and set up a time you’ll both be free to have a conversation via FaceTime, skype, phone call, or some other personal communication.

Once you’re talking, take the conversation seriously. Be bold and assertive without being cruel. Explain what isn’t working and why, and gently say that you no longer want to be in a relationship. Make sure that your intention of breaking up is clear (believe it or not, it can be easy to misunderstand this conversation if you don’t say it outright). Don’t tell them you can still be friends, and don’t apologize for your decision. Neither of you have done anything wrong, it’s just not working out. And that’s okay.

Finally, answer any valid questions your partner may have, and end the call when the conversation has reached a natural stopping point — nothing is worse than sitting awkwardly in silence.

Once this conversation is over, you should temporarily block them on social media to avoid the urge to reach out or take it back. Most social media platforms allow for temporary blocking, and it will benefit you both to do so. Breakups can be hard, but when they’re necessary, take the right steps in moving on healthily.

And if that doesn’t work, you could always ghost ‘em.

Dear Expie,

I have too much homework and not enough money to go home for Thanksgiving. I think it’s probably best if I stay here, but my parents haven’t stopped talking about how excited they are to see me and hear about my first semester of college over break. How do I tell them I’m not coming home without hurting them?

— No Thanks(giving)

“Mom, Dad, I won’t be coming home for Thanksgiving” is quick, cheap and easy. However, it’s definitely not the gentlest way to tell them.

Your first move should be to tell your parents that you’re staying here. Don’t put this off, or it could end up being really hurtful to them. You shouldn’t feel guilty for choosing not to go home, but if your parents might be upset by this decision, you should make sure to tell them sooner rather than later.

You know your family best — is this going to be a big deal that you should discuss over the phone, or will a simple text be received just as well? Once you make that decision, draft what you want to say. If you’re texting them, make it longer — start off by explaining that you won’t be coming home, and briefly explain your reasoning. If calling, think it out before you dial. Then, once you call, start off by telling them why you won’t be coming home before they speak. Ultimately, remember that you are an adult, and you have autonomy over your decisions.

Give your parents an opportunity to respond, and be willing to have a conversation about it. You don’t have to change your mind, but you shouldn’t be disrespectful or rude, either. Most parents truly won’t mind. They were college-aged once and understand that it may be time for you to leave the nest. If your parents resist, it might comfort them to know your plans, that you’ll be safe and around good company instead of sad and alone (this is most parents’ top concern if they resist).

Then, once the decision is out there and you are on the same page, keep the conversation going. Talk with your family about what’s going on in both of your lives, and catch up a little. End the conversation on a positive note, and you no longer need to stress about your decision or your families’ feelings.

Thanks guys! See you next week.

This is Expie, signing off.