Mysterious “Glooper” remains at large

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

In the early hours of Thursday, March 27, there was a break-in at the MSU Food Pantry. Gary Globule, an employee at the food pantry, called in the crime when he came to work on Thursday morning, only to find opened cans of various foods splattered across the floor in what he called a “puddle of gloop.”

On the walls of the food pantry, the message “I’m off da gloop” was written in tomato sauce.

Globule referred to the mess as “gloop” because of the viscous nature of the foods opened by the perpetrator. “Beans, sauces, chicken noodle soup, puddings and unidentifiable gelatinous goos were scattered everywhere. The walls are covered in gloop,” Globule said.

The University Police Department (UPD) said there were no signs of forced entry into the locked food pantry and that Globule possessed the pantry’s only master key. However, Globule had an alibi, claiming he was practicing with his ska-rap band, Real Tiny Turtles, the entire night of Thursday, March 27.

“Yeah, [Globule] was here all night at my place playing his trombone. No way he was out glooping,” a member of the band, Neal McConnor, stated.

UPD quarantined the scene on Thursday morning while the unknown gelatinous substances were being identified, according to Lieutenant Reyna Smully. “I don’t know what kind of sicko would do this, but we’ll find him,” Smully said.

While investigating the incident, detectives discovered a sticky footprint trail of size four men’s shoes leading to Montana Hall. The trail grew too faint to follow as it neared President Metalhead Cruzadiferous’s office.

“Our worry is that the President’s Office may become a victim of this glooping act of terror,” Smully said.

“Oh nooooo, this is terrible. Who would do such a thing?” Cruzadiferous commented when asked about the situation. “Wow, it’s unbelievable. I’ve never heard of this Gloop character. I hope my office won’t be subjected to this glooping.”

When asked why she was acting so weird, Cruzadiferous declined to comment.

As of the date of this article’s publishing, UPD has yet to find the perpetrator, dubbed “The Glooper” by the MSU community.

“We are honestly stumped here. If anyone has any information about this incident, please reach out to the UPD,” Smully said.

If you have any information relevant to this case, please contact Smully at bigsmullyonthecase@upd.com.

If you or your family has been affected by glooping, reach out to the Victims of Gloop Hotline: (248) 434-5508.