Parking lots down, Bozeman economy up!

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

As students struggle to find parking in time for class, the MSU administration has rolled out a bulletproof solution: Get rid of all the lots entirely.

When the bells of Montana Hall ring out at 8:00 a.m., freshmen pedestrians risk hospitalization as they fight through a mess of Toyotas, Subarus and the occasional Chevy Cruze fighting for a parking spot. To combat the rise in automobile-related injuries, MSU has signed a $6.7 billion contract to construct large-scale urban developments where the school’s parking lots currently sit.

The project will feature restaurants, coffee shops and hotels. According to the contract, the goal of this venture is to optimize the University’s profits from students, parents and tourists.

According to MSU Financial Analyst Miser Trust, the restaurants will be upscale steakhouses.

“With students making $15 an hour from their on-campus job, the steakhouses should be affordable for a majority of them,” he said.

The new hotels will allow even more tourists from various states to easily access the uncrowded runs of Bridger Bowl during the winter months, according to Trust.

“These new structures will promote the economy through tourism, which in the end, will come back to the students,” he said.

Many students who live close to campus support the new contract, as they already don’t have to drive to school. These students have started selling parking passes to the driveways and front yards of their homes, seizing the opportunity for profit.

“Parking passes for sale, one for $3,000 or two for $5,500,” one post from burneracc583829 on Craigslist read. “A steal for undergraduates with $300,000 in loans.”

While those who live near campus are ecstatic, commuter students have expressed concern.

“I have housing in Belgrade and honestly, I'm not sure what I’ll do,” said senior Cannith Finnarking. “Off-campus parking will be nearly impossible. At this point, it would be faster to run from Belgrade than to find off-campus parking.”

Students have taken the unexpected developments in stride by creating the Commuters of Belgrade Running Group.

“I really hope that this group can bring the community together, even if we may not make it to class on time; it's the journey that matters,” said club president Irun Faast, who shared that the club continues to reaffirm MSU’s decision to replace the parking lots with hotels and restaurants.

Even though the commute is far, these intrepid students continue to go to class. When asked where they get their motivation to get to campus, some club members said that they pay the school too much to skip.

“I’ll have about $158,900 of debt when I graduate, not much more to say from there,” said student Jo Moneez.