Parking Services continues campaign to crush student moral

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers.

The Student Led Undermining Rebellion against MSU Parking Services (aka SLURP), whose mission is to revolt against excessive fines given out by Parking Services, suffered a crushing blow on Friday, March 25, at what has been dubbed “The Debacle at the Duck Pond.”

“It was a massacre,” SLURP General Ewan Whatarmi said. “The vans had surrounded us before we could do anything. There were flashing yellow lights everywhere. They had my second-in-command towed away before I could do anything about it.”

Indeed, SLURP suffered heavy losses at the hands of their foes Parking Services, which charged as many as fourstudents with parking violations. These unfortunate souls will have to pay inordinately high fines, lest they suffer the wrath of Reid B. Tweendalines, the feared head of Parking Services. 

“This piddling attempt at revolt brings me no concern,” Tweendalines said. “Parking services is and shall be an infallible power. Those who dare to rise against our might shall feel the full might of our fury.” When asked about the most recent battle, Tweendalines replied, “ah, yes, this victory was expected. Yet, it still is a source of great satisfaction. All shall fear me.”

The morale of SLURP is approaching an all time low. “I watched my friends as they leapt into the pond, seeking refuge in the water from the horrors above,” Justin Case, a SLURP soldier, said. He teared up as he recounted the battle. “We had no idea the ducks had turned against us, as well. All of the pecking and flapping — oh god, the flapping.” Case was unable to continue the interview.

“It’s tough,” Whatarmi said of the conflict to this point. “But we have to keep fighting. We will rid the campus of the tyranny that Parking Services represents or get fined trying.” 

You can join the fight against Parking Services by contacting Ewan and his brave soldiers. All you have to do is go to the Centennial Mall behind Montana Hall at 3 p.m. on Saturday, April 2, throw ducks in the air and scream, “DUCKS FOR COMRADES!” at the top of your lungs. SLURP will take care of the rest.