Relationship Troubles

“Dear Expie” is an anonymous column responding to student conversation on campus and answering student questions. This week, Expie replied to a burning question submitted to Expie. If you’ve got a burning question for Expie, email exponentopinion@montana.edu. All submissions remain anonymous. 

 Dear Expie, 

My roommate and I used to be in a physical relationship. we split up on amicable terms however I feel like there is still some fostered resentment between the two of us. When a partner and I were about to leave he started teasing me about a very private matter that is relevant to only the people I am involved with. He also speaks openly about how satisfying his relationships are now that he is free to see whom he likes. The last thing that gets under my skin, is that I prefer to start my dates meeting at our room and ending in a place for just me and the person I'm seeing, he likes to end his dates in our SHARED room. Is there anything I can do to resolve this situation?

Sincerely,

Bonafide Inadequacy

Dear Bonafide Inadequacy,

I am sorry that life post breakup has not been very kind to you.

When the people closest to us treat us in a way that crosses our personal boundaries, we start to believe that is the way we deserve to be treated. But believe me when I say this: you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.

From where I am standing, the most effective step to take would be to pack your bags and completely remove yourself from an unhealthy situation. This partner was part of an old life you lived, but you are living in a new chapter with a reminder of a relationship that was not meant to be forever. Finding a semi-affordable place to live with decent roommates would be a bit of extra work, but staying in an environment with a person committed to making you feel inadequate will ultimately be what causes the most harm.

I wonder what the reasons could be for his teasing and gloating about his new relationships. He may be trying his hardest to let you know that the breakup didn’t hit him as hard, and that he is thriving without you. But people who are truly content with their lives and relationships do not feel the need to broadcast it, especially to their ex. I think he is having a more difficult time with the breakup than he is leading on. No matter the reason, his actions are unkind and uncalled for. Teasing you for something you told him in confidence is incredibly immature. Exposing information personal to you is not a decision for your ex to make. This should be left up to you to decide when to share it and who to share it with. Exercise your self respect and tell him exactly how that makes you feel and that you need him to stop immediately.

If your ex is someone you still care about and want to keep in your life, being honest and clear about what you need is absolutely necessary. Your comfort and happiness is not negotiable, and you’re allowed to make that clear. If there is still resentment between the two of you, sit down and have that talk. Share any hurt and hidden emotions with him, and allow him to do the same. If both of you have a safe space to express your feelings and get unresolved issues off your chests, you might be able to live with each other, or realize it’s best to have your respective homes. Having vulnerable conversations can feel uncomfortable, but the results of that discussion will be clarity and possible closure.

Now, this is probably the most important piece of advice I could give to you: Make a playlist of Beyonce and Lizzo. In my experience, there is nothing like empowering music to make life’s challenges feel a bit less challenging.

My sister always tells me that there is a solution to every problem. At the end of the day, you are the only person who knows exactly what you need to do to follow your head and your heart to solve this one. Have strength in your communication and respect for your needs, and you will handle and resolve this situation.

Thanks y’all! Watch out for each other. This is Expie, signing off.