Satire: Extraterrestrial or Nah?

Aliens abound at MSU

Gabbat Barnat, keeper of newts

Spring has sprung, as the kids say, and with squelching mud under our feet and the warm smell of new life in the air, we also arrive at a moment of new intellectual beginnings ripe for opening our fledgling minds to an important truth: Aliens dawdle among us at MSU.

Yes, they dawdle, as in walk on two feet, talk and otherwise present appealing near-miss obstacles for the edgy speed bikers of Centennial Mall. I’m not talking about those alien-adjacent space microorganisms that are all the rave among those “scientists” we love at MSU, but real, humanoid visitors from another realm. Upon consideration of the incontrovertible evidence of extraterrestrials on campus — found by doing your own research, of course — you’ll find it impossible to escape this conclusion as well.

Exhibit A: Have you noticed that the landscaping surrounding the new American Indian Hall (AIH) is void of vegetation? That’s no coincidence, my friends, or a product of landscapers not having the opportunity to seed grass in the dead of winter. No, it’s evidence that this building was beamed down to campus by an advanced civilization of aliens seeking to spread their slimy tentacles into our community. When high-energy beams transport objects across space, the energy vaporizes all living matter in the immediate vicinity of the landing zone. The AIH is way too stunningly beautiful to be a product of mere humans. All that scaffolding around the “construction” of the building last year? A trained eye such as mine easily identifies this sorcery as a facade meant to conceal the true origins of AIH, making it seem as though it was built by humans.

This begs a question of much more paramount importance than supporting my argument with more evidence (just look that up): Who at MSU communicated with the aliens to plan this facade? What are their ultimate intentions? And, what will they do next?

Exhibit B: If you take the letters in PURE GOLD, multiply them together, scramble them alphabetically and match the names of the award recipients with each letter chronologically, you get a message that says that-

(this article has reached the word limit) - XOXO, ↹⤋⬲⥷

Literally what? 

MegHam FamRhein, destroyer of sliced bread  

I’m a paid editor at the Exponent — I have years of journalistic experience, a very fantastic education, almost a degree in fact, and what am I doing with it? Arguing about aliens.

Now, I’m all for journalistic neutrality, so I’m not going to sit here and completely bash Gabe, but what the actual ****, Gabe. I can only assume he’s on drugs or something, I mean he’s up in the Exponent office far too much to be reasonable; he’s probably running a meth lab (we all saw “Breaking Bad,” it can’t be that hard).

See, not only does Mr. Barnard fail to bring any real evidence to the table, but he also uses the word facade way too often for anyone to take his argument seriously. Two times in one article: who is this man?

Now you might sit here and think, well Meghan, you’re not bringing any evidence here either, and to that I say bah humbug. You’re just going to sit here and listen to what Gabe has to say when he’s clearly probably deranged?

Aliens aren’t real, silly, that would be paranoid, delusional, insane — instead let’s focus on the very reasonable explanation that the only explanation is trolls. Everybody knows trolls dwell in rock and dirt, why else would there be so much empty space around the American Indian Hall?

I mean, aliens? Really? What a dumb idea.

At the time of publication, Meghan has not been heard from. Please reach out to 406-994-5482 with any information regarding her disappearance.