A cacophony of fun characters foster creepy community

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Every semester, new students arrive in droves to take classes from expert professors in their field of choice. While others receive a warm welcome in the classroom, some have to find solace in a new club on campus — Otherworldly Monsters For Greatness (OMFG).

According to club President Wayne Chewsalot, the name came to him after he got yelled at by a nurse for stuffing type O blood bags from a campus blood drive into his backpack.

“I needed the blood for a project in my basic human biology class,” Chewsalot said. “I felt ignored — that excuse always worked back home.”

Chewsalot created the club to build connections between students with similar college experiences and backgrounds.

“Getting the club started was difficult,” he said. “The Office of Student Disengagement is never open. I had to get registration by transmogrifying into a bat and flying into their open windows. It was very embarrassing.”

Chewsalot said he has not been able to meet with his club at all this semester, since they all agreed to meet via a Google form during the day in sunny locations around campus.

“Despite that, I know the club is in good hands,” he said. “In the meantime, I’m worrying more about the awful food at the dining hall and crawling on my dorm bathroom floor, avoiding mirrors.”

Other students in OMFG have had similar troublesome experiences at MSU. Jermy Smithson, treasurer for OMFG and a self-stated human who hails from the planet Earth, said they were shunned from the general campus community after praising the design of Cybertrucks.

“I came here to get my education,” they said. “Not harassment for supporting my future world president and fellow human being Elon Musk.”

Smithson said they have been fostering some sort of community in OMFG by organizing club events, such as movie showings.

“Everybody on campus believes Project Hail Mary really happened,” they said. “But I know the truth. It didn’t.”

While Smithson struggles to determine reality, other students in OMFG face more serious concerns.

Bethany Anetaheveoso, a proud member of the club, is a junior engineering student with a minor in everything else.

Her experience at MSU has been hit-or-miss — some days, she said, she feels like just another student lying peacefully on the Leigh Lounge floor.

“Other days, I’m ‘he who goes on all fours.’ That’s from Navajo mythology,” she said. “I am tired of being lumped in with other groups and judged for it.”

Anetaheveoso attributed her success here at MSU not only to having hundreds of CatCards for students she shapeshifts into, but also to OMFG’s unwavering support.

Harry Bohls, a transfer sasquatch from Yellowstone National Park, has also found support in the club. He said MSU’s campus is quite different from his home forest.

“Nobody home bats an eye when I’m cleaning up their campsite overnight,” he said. “But when I try to pick up cans and cigarette butts here, I’m tweaking.”

According to Bohls, he found OMFG by accident during one of their midmorning meetings, after his shift as the duck pond therapist.

According to Anetaheveoso, Bohls has since been a vital member of the club and is applying to be secretary next semester. The vice president is the invisible man, whom the Excrement could not locate for an interview.

Chewsalot also noted a recent increase in — supposedly — human membership, though all of them have been claiming that they are vampires and their sire is Chewsalot. “Don’t listen to them,” he said. “They’re just excited new members.”

“I’m always shocked that there are new members each semester,” he said. “I thought MSU had only a dozen students, but I can’t definitively tell because they’re always running from me.”