All hope is deflated as bubble gyms stand tall

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers.

When students arrived on campus last fall, they were shocked to learn that the gym had been relocated to an inflatable dome. Now, MSU has announced plans to downsize the gym further and keep all equipment in some tents that they bought at Walmart and distributed around Bozeman.

Students at MSU have grown accustomed to constant construction and temporary solutions, but the university insists it is doing its best to provide an outstanding gym experience while the student-funded rebuild is in progress. “I’m so sick of hearing complaints about the tents.” said MSU President Wadad da Crawdad, “If you wanted a gym with enough room to stand up, you should’ve gone to UM.” 

Originally, the university had nearly thirty tents set up on random lawns around campus, but that number is down to just 10 after the tents containing lighter equipment blew away on a particularly windy afternoon. “That was a logistical oversight on our part,” said a spokesperson for MSU, “We’ll have the gym fully restored as soon as we figure out where those tents ended up.”

Shockingly to university officials, TentGym™ has been incredibly unpopular among students. “I really don’t get all the pushback, I love working out in those tents,” said Jim Dome, director of personal health and body positivity and as he finished up a bench-press set at the Ridge Athletic Club. With gym attendance down 100% since TentGym™’s installation, more criticism is sure to follow. Responding to recent outrage, MSU released an official statement reminding students that “Y’all were the ones who voted to build a new gym in the first place.” The university also asked students to lower their expectations.

Among the student body’s chief concerns is the long, cold walk from the provided locker rooms and showers in Shroyer Gym to the collection of tents. When asked about his feelings on the issue, one student said, “Dude, stop asking me questions while I’m in the shower.”

To compensate for the untraditional nature of the temporary gym, MSU has added a new online gym feature to their website where students can work out while they look at pictures of real gyms on their phones, tablets or laptops. “We’re very proud of the online gym,” said the same MSU spokesperson, “now, Bobcats can imagine what it’s like to attend a university that provides adequate facilities for their students.” 

MSU’s brand new recreational sports and fitness center is slated for completion as soon as 2024, but yeah, it’ll probably take a bit longer.