Bobcats, stay bear aware

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers.

Well… spring is here, and the bears are officially out. Whether you’re a newbie to the Montana wilderness scene or a grizzled backcountry wanderer veritably baptized in the eternal stinging fog of bear spray, we’ve got a few tips for you. You never know what you’re going to run into out there. Could be black bears. Could be grizzly bears. Could be Bear Grylls. In any case, here are some do’s and don’ts for how to deal with a hairy situation.

DO carry bear spray. Not only will it protect you when charged by a 600-pound mama bear, it also works remarkably well as hot sauce in a pinch.

DON’T carry your mom’s homemade, extra spicy Italian sausage links as a distraction tool when a bear walks into your camp during lunch time. They’ll eat them, and then eat you.

DO speak loudly when you’re in the woods, even if you’re alone. It has been scientifically proven that bears are terrified by people with dual personalities.

DON’T try and cuddle bears. I know they look cute and fluffy, but believe me, they’ll cuddle you back. With their teeth. On your face.

DO learn the difference between black and grizzly bears. Not only could it save your life, but you can impress your out-of-state yuppie crush with your in-depth ursine knowledge.

DON’T run away if you encounter any kind of bear. Turns out, bears are real suckers for a game of tag, and will absolutely chase you. Considering some bears have a top cruising speed of 60 mph, you’ll probably lose. Slowly back away while singing “Stayin Alive” under your breath. That’s your ONLY chance of survival.

Footnote: if you do encounter Bear Grylls in the woods, be sure to have a pouch of Mexican Mealworms handy. Scatter them on the ground nearby and slowly back away. He’ll go after the bugs before he goes after you.