Bozeman locals give advice on how to survive the incoming Yellowstone tsunami

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Yellowstone National Park is gone and Bozeman will soon be next. The park’s trademark geysers erupted simultaneously last weekend, sending a massive flood of boiling water, trees, chunks of earth and unlucky wildlife to wreak havoc on unsuspecting tourists.

Currently, the tsunami is rapidly approaching the Gallatin Valley.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said helicopter pilot Hugh Mungus, who was flying above the park at the time of the disaster. “I could even feel the heat from way up in the air. At first, I thought it was just my copilot Jerry breathing down my neck, but then I saw it.”

The Yellowstone tsunami is currently on its way to obliterate Bozeman — but this doesn’t have to be the end of the road for the city’s residents, according to doomsdayprepper Binky Tubbs.

“There are a few ways you can survive to see the light of tomorrow,” said Tubbs while leading a herd of cows into an underground tunnel. “The obvious first option is to fix yourself a survival bunker like I have here.”

Tubbs’ underground bunker is composed mostly of concrete, heat-resistant material — and a little bit of love, according to him. The interior of the bunker is illuminated by color-changing LED lights. The small living space is furnished with a cot, table, Xbox 360 and pantry stocked with canned goods and Takis.

Through a side door, Tubbs keeps an extensive agricultural area with a cattle pen and a small farming plot to grow crops like lettuce, beets, carrots and cannabis.

“It ain’t much, but it should keep me alive and happy for a while,” Tubbs said. “Of course, if you don’t have a bunker already, it’s gonna be too late to get one. The next option is to train your body to withstand the heat that’s coming.”

The average human body can withstand temperatures up to 120 degrees Fahrenheit, according to hot tub enthusiast Misty Poupou.

“Sometimes I turn my sauna up to 175 just for the challenge,” said Poupou through chapped lips. “With this big wave coming, it’s important to be able to handle the heat, so I’ve been pushing 200 these days.”

Poupou plans to wait out the disaster atop Hotel Baxter, one of the tallest buildings in Bozeman. “There might be a few spots open still, so get up there as soon as you can,” she said.

While the chances of survival are slim, there is one other option to escape, according to Tubbs.

“You can always go to the airport. But think about it, everyone else that doesn’t have what it takes to handle the apocalypse is going to have the same idea,” he said. “If you’re lucky to get on a plane, I recommend Delta or United. If you’re flying Southwest, you’re as good as dead.”

Other city residents volunteered to help with the evacuation. “I have three more seats in my helicopter,” Mungus said. “It might be a tight fit, you know, Jerry’s not so little, but the ‘copter should fly!”

The Yellowstone calamity is nearly upon Bozeman. To learn more about ways to survive, ask a friend or fax Tubbs. If anybody has any way to leave, please let me kn—