Campus snowplows replaced with flamethrowers

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In response to a number of complaints by members of the faculty and student body, University Services has implemented a two-year plan to replace all snow-removal machines with portable flamethrowers.

“It absolutely is an example of synergy,” said Head of University Services Administration Gerald Clamsanders. “Besides melting the snow and ice, it keeps the operators themselves warm and lets any potential campus safety threats know that we mean business.”

The program, known as FlameCats, comes after years of concerns about poor sidewalk conditions during the snowy winter months. “I’m like, so grateful for FlameCats,” said Janet Sinclair, an earth science major who came to Montana from a Rainbow Family commune in Ocala, Florida.

“I’m from SoCal, but I grew up going to Big Bear and Aspen, so I’m all about the steez,” said Brock Megadude, a business major who also expressed appreciation for the FlameCats program. “Part of the steez life means that I wear slippers literally everywhere I go — rain, snow or shine. I'm definitely always living in fear that I’ll slip on the ice in my Birks, get injured and miss out on that sweet pow!”

Students like Sinclair and Megadude found their fears so all-consuming that they banded together and formed an organization to create change. Calling themselves SlipWatch, they filed countless complaints with the Federal government against the University, vowing not to rest until someone's livelihood was taken away. The result? FlameCats.

“So far it has been super effective,” said Joe Maintenance, the director of FlameCats. “We have seen a huge reduction in slipping incidents since we started flaming the walkways.”

The FlameCats in action are certainly a sight to behold. Now, every day that snow falls, students can see dozens of workers dressed in Champ mascot uniforms lighting up the Quads, Centennial Mall and Romney Oval with flamethrowers.

“We decided to put the FlameCats in Champ uniforms for a number of reasons,” said University President Weebodeebo Cruzadiferous. “First, it just felt right, since they are called FlameCats. Second, we felt like the potential terror students might feel seeing military-grade flamethrowers shoot thirty-foot streams of fire could be tempered by their love for Champ.”

When asked about students’ concerns that the costumes are too flammable, Cruzadiferous said: “I mean, sure, that’s been a huge problem. There have been some burns. But we all have our own crosses to bear to maintain school spirit.”

The flamethrowers themselves are actually surplus WWII flamethrowers that Bill Janitorson — a janitor on campus — found in the basement of Reid Hall last year. “I was just kind of wandering the tunnels under Reid on my lunch break one time,” he said. “All of a sudden, I see this room I’ve never seen before and I decide to try my key on it. What do you know? It fits! I couldn't believe my eyes — there must have been fifty flamethrowers in there.”

Out of respect for MSU’s veterans, the ceremonial opening FlameCats flame salvo was conducted by a WWII veteran.

“FlameCats is a proud student employer and we do not require any prior experience,” Maintenance said. “Honestly, in the interview, we just hand you a flamethrower and if you let her rip, you're hired.”

To apply for a job with FlameCats, email iwannaknowhowtoflame@montana.edu or visit https://jobsatflamecats/montana.edu/.