Checking in with the rest of Bozeman

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers.

As coronavirus sweeps across the United States, many communities have been hit hard. Since humans don’t like to feel out of control, everything is uneasy, and no one seems to know what the best course of action is. Luckily, a few individuals throughout the United States have shown great initiative and taken action even in these trying times. Let’s meet the two Bozeman residents placing the control back in their own hands

Meet Debra Smith. Smith is a 35-year-old mother of three beautiful children. She lives in Bozeman, MT, where she enjoys sewing, taking her children to soccer practice and watching the Bachelor while accidentally drinking a whole bottle of wine. Unlike many college students and other individuals in Bozeman, Smith recognized the danger of COVID-19 long before the virus even arrived in Montana. Even her wine club friends weren’t prepared for what was to come, but Smith was.

On Monday afternoon, to keep inline with the #socialdistancing movement, I had the chance to conduct a FaceTime interview with Debra Smith. As a part of our interview, Smith allowed me to see her doomsday pantry. From floor to ceiling, the pantry was filled with rolls on rolls of toilet paper and too many wine bottles to count. Smith went on to discuss the importance of panic buying.

“No one knows what is going to happen, and I feel better when I am prepared,” Smith said firmly. “I have heard that the virus is mutating quickly. It may not cause diarrhea now, but when it does, I will be prepared.”  Smith continued to tell me about the importance of wine as a quarantine item. “I strongly believe that red wine strengthens your immune system. Plus, alcohol kills germs, right?” Readers can rest easy knowing that if the virus doesn’t cause Smith to use all of that toilet paper, the red wine will.

Jimmy Maxwell, another Bozeman resident, also stocked up for the current health crisis. Maxwell was also kind enough to allow me to interview him digitally.

Unlike Smith, Maxwell stocked up on a different hot commodity. Instead of purchasing all the toilet paper and wine that Town and Country has to offer, Maxwell decided it would be more important to purchase all of the masks.

“As a 60 year old, I don’t feel very safe right now. All these college kids running around makes me anxious, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and make sure that I will be safe when things really get bad. The heath workers don’t really need masks that badly….they have sanitizing equipment and can wash their hands.” Maxwell recommended that every household invest in masks at this time, but he urged people to look in Missoula and Billings for masks because they seem to be out of stock in Bozeman. Maxwell was later seen walking down 19th street, mask around his neck, and cigarette in mouth.

Bozeman citizens are doing the best they can to feel secure in these trying times. Remember Bozemanites: panic buying is one of the best ways to avoid COVID-19 induced anxiety, so hit the stores and stock up while supplies last.