Cows are food, not friends

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Just two months ago, Montana State was excited to announce the hiring of new head football coach Brent Vigen. When Vigen held his press conference, that excitement evaporated like Montana’s chances of winning the 2019 Brawl of the Wild. Since news broke that Vigen is pronounced as “Vegan” and not “Vee-jin,” the cattle ranchers of Montana have been angry as a bull. “It’s a huge disappointment,” MSU President Wadaddy Cruzaddy commented, “When we considered all the hires for the job, we never even took into consideration the way his last name was pronounced.” As Cruzaddy spoke to the Exponent, her demeanor was clearly off-putting, and the stress of the uproar was certainly taking a huge toll on her thoughts about the fall football season. “It is difficult because with a name pronounced like ‘vegan’, it’s nearly impossible to seem like a threat in the great state of Montana,” she said.

Unfortunately, the concerns extend further than just President Cruzaddy, as the Director of Athletics, Leonal Costellon, is also mildly concerned with the potential future of the football program here at MSU. “When we hired Brent, our main thought was about his previous success with his past teams and how he can better our football program,” Costellon said. “The pushback against him has been notable and even some of our players from ranching communities are upset with his name.” His main agitation was directed toward how the players felt. “The players’ well-being is also a major priority, and if some of the players continue to find issues with Brent’s last name, we might have to take into consideration an ultimatum,” he said. Costellon would not clarify what the ultimatum may include, but it can be assumed Vigen may have to face a name change or be prepared to vacate the state.

The Exponent attempted to contact a few players to gain inside insight into the situation, but the team remained silent. However, as many of our editors were working in the office just last week, a few anonymous comments about training were submitted. “Practice can be extremely annoying. Not one day goes by without the coach saying something along the lines of… ‘Let’s go boys, we need to squash the competition.’ Or even something like ‘you’ve guac this boys.’ I simply cannot stand it anymore,” a player wrote.

While reaching the team for answers was a difficult task, The Exponent received countless comments from Montana ranchers as they flooded the inbox of our Candle Consultant & Drop-in Distributor, Grace Larsen, with outrage. “I am humiliated. I have been a Bobcat football fan for as long as I can remember. Seeing a man come in with a name like ‘Vegan,’ is like a slap in the face,” one Custer County rancher said. “I cannot cheer for someone who has a connection to everything that goes against my livelihood. In Montana, we eat meat.” Another rancher told the Exponent he contacted the university in hopes of returning his diploma because he does not want to be associated with “veganism.” This is an unprecedented ordeal that has never occurred in MSU’s history. Unfortunately, the other complaints can not be shared due to their comprehensive usage of curse words. The Stickz, Ballz and Rockz staff tried to contact Coach Vigen about his feelings toward the issue but were left with no response. Our staff is on top of this story and will continue with updates as the story evolves.