Cramp’s power to officiate weddings can ruin your love life

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

On March 15, Cormack McCooper refused a flier being handed out by MSU mascot Cramp the Bobcat. “No thanks, I'm late for class,” He said, brushing past Cramp and walking toward the parking lot. He was, in fact, not late for class. He was going home to play Black Ops III and really didn't want to accept a flier. Less than 24 hours later, his fiancée left him and his dog no longer acknowledged his presence.

“Three years. Three years we were together. And it was a great three years. It feels like I lost my other half. We still live together, but it's different. He won't look at me,” McCooper said about his dog. “Sometimes I leave little treats on the floor, hoping he will come up to me and eat one, maybe even out of my hand. But he doesn't even sniff the air. He eats them when I sleep. My own dog, I loved — I still love him.”

McCooper said he has been having his roommate walk his dog since the incident. As for his ex-fiancée, McCooper said “She still talks to me. She is much less passive about it than my dog. It was sudden. She said Cramp came to her in a dream and told her to call off the wedding. I couldn't do anything about it.”

According to McCooper, he and his ex-fiancée had been planning to get married at Danforth Chapel on campus. “It's a great little spot, we were going to have Cramp the Bobcat do the ceremony. My MSU Friday tour guide told me that Cramp is registered to officiate weddings, so we thought it would be cool to do that.”

If two or more students at MSU find themselves in love and seeking a marriage, they can tie the knot in MSU’s very own Danforth Chapel. If the students truly bleed blue and gold, they have the option of being married by Cramp the Bobcat. For some time, it was possible to marry Cramp himself, but as Cramp has recently become hitched to MSU President Crumpet Tomato, this option is no longer available for students, according to a conversation overheard by the MSU Friday tour guide walking under the window of the Excrement office. 

According to Rusty Manboy, an English writing major, Cramp is allowed to officiate weddings between students because of: “that Montana law. I think it’s 40-01-301. If one party in the marriage believes that Cramp is allowed to solemnize a wedding, then the solemnization holds even if Cramp isn't actually allowed to do it. The tour guides essentially give Cramp the right to officiate weddings by convincing people Cramp has the right to.”

According to the MSU website, “The Bobcat was selected as MSU's mascot in 1916 for its cunning intelligence, athletic prowess and independent spirit.” But it wasn't until the 1970s, that the figure known as Cramp appeared for the first time on campus. At first, Cramp was known only as “Bobcat” due to a striking resemblance to MSU’s mascot. But nobody really knows what Cramp is or where he came from.

According to an MSU excrement article from Nov. 18, 1976, Cramp’s presence at MSU increased student marriage rates by 150%, and decreased the marriage rates on the University of Montana’s campus by the same amount. 

“It's suspicious,” McCooper said. “I see him. I see him in my dreams. When my heart was broken, I just saw him. Staring at me, eyes glowing red, from the shadows. I wish I had taken that flier. I wasn't late to class. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I’m sorry.”