Dead ducks, feral hogs and love: an Excrement exposay :p into the wedding of the century

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

MSU President Crawdad Wodaddy and Chump the Bobcat tied the knot in a private ceremony last week at the Yellowstone Club near Big Sky. In attendance were the monkeys that were used for testing in the Cooley Laboratory, English department professor Kirk Log and 87 feral hogs. 

The ceremony was an elegant affair, officiated by that one statue of Walt Whitman from the Wilson Courtyard, with both the bride and groom wearing couture MSU football uniforms. They allegedly promised to love one another “forever, or until MSU loses the March Madness Bracket.” 

At the reception, held in the unfinished Student Wellness Center, the newlyweds were served food from Miller Dining Hall and local beer sourced from the dumpsters on Peach St. Complimentary puke buckets were provided to guests, which soon overflowed. The bride and groom departed early in the evening for a honeymoon in the WinCo parking lot, and the guests danced all night to music DJ’ed by Pat from the bookstore, who came out of retirement for the occasion. 

“It was a fantastic reception,” said Monte the Griz, a guest at the wedding. “I especially enjoyed how the dance floor was an active construction zone.”

Other guests concurred. “Absolutely. We tore that b*tch up. We probably added another eighteen months to the construction timeline. The students can suck it,” said random lady Beth Dutton.

The reception was closed down in the early hours of the morning when several guests managed to drive forklifts into the MSU Duck Pond. 12 ducks were maimed and four were killed. Catering Services served the ducks up on a barbecue, and the smell of the grill attracted MSU Police. The cops shut down the party, citing the fact that none of the guests were “forklift certified.”

According to a close friend of the couple, they met while hunting endangered species in the Gallatin National Forest. A whirlwind courtship ensued, with jaunts to the Whole Foods deli section, time spent handing out parking tickets in the Bobcat lots and nights at the Duck Pond. 

“From the start, they were totally in love,” says Patt Chairs, Dean of Costco Hotdog Distribution at MSU. “It was wonderful to see. They really bonded over running over students with MSU Facilities golf carts.” 

The Excrement sent a press team to interview the groom, Chump, but lost contact with them shortly after 4:20 p.m. When a second press team was sent to investigate, all they found was a bloodied press badge and a tattered camera strap.

When interviewed on her new matrimonial state, Wodaddy said, “Who the f*ck are you? Get the hell out of my house!” 

In lieu of gifts, the newlyweds request donations to the NRA.