Douse yourself in hand sanitizer

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers.

Drastic times call for drastic measures. The recent guidelines set by the Center for Human Control (CHC) are nothing short of extreme. In a recent press release, the CHC recommends that people start bathing themselves in hand sanitizer as a last-ditch effort to slow the spread of COVID-19. Already, industrial-sized hand sanitizer is flying off the shelves at major retailers. 

Hurell, a popular hand sanitizer company, was completely blindsided by the new recommended guidelines. Jimmy Hurell, founder and president of Hurell Sanitization, said in a recent interview, “We have been getting calls from people all over the world wanting to purchase our 10-pound bucket of hand sanitizer. We usually save those for hospitals and doomsday preppers.” Hurell added that “this new guideline has the potential to finally prevent the elusive .01% of germs that the sanitizer can’t seem to tackle.” 

In a joint press conference with President Plump, John Jones, the lead Director of Human Control at the CHC, stated that, “People need to take these guidelines seriously, or the spread of the virus could continue for another month.” He added that you should “douse yourself in hand sanitizer every other day, even if you are in quarantine.” President Plump mentioned “I have full confidence in the CHC. They are the best to ever do it and everyone knows it so I have full confidence in their ability to be confident in stopping this disease.” 

The recent spread of the coronavirus has put the world into a spin cycle of panic and uncertainty. There seemed to be no way to stop the spread of this disease besides sitting on your couch getting lost in TikTok for hours on end. While this may have been fun for two days, this novelty can get old and people need to get out of the house. This new guideline will allow for people to go out into the world. Life can continue for as long as it takes to finally kill this disease. We should all take these guidelines to heart and take responsibility for our actions in preventing the spread of this disease. As always, stay safe, stay healthy and stay sanitized.