Duck pond designated international waters following spy balloon crash

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

The MSU Duck Pond has been designated international waters after an unidentified spy balloon crashed following a collision with a landing duck. The duck was not harmed in the collision and the data chip in the balloon appeared to only contain footage of the Excrement staff doing a really weird dance party before water damage set in.

It’s possible that the unidentified owner of the spy balloon was scouting the Duck Pond for future naval exercises. It’s been reported that the person who signed off on converting the Duck Pond to international waters thought he was signing fan mail, not an international treaty. However, according to international law, unidentified vessels must verify their nationality when approached in international waters, and all the spy balloon had on it for identification was an iPod in a plastic bag with the Spanish version of the Hamster Dance playing on repeat.

According to Wikipedia, international waters — or “high seas” — apply where any body of water transcends international boundaries. The Duck Pond has been made an exception to the arbitrary rule on the merits that it’s an excuse for students on the west side of campus to cross the street.

As an international flyway for Anas platyrhynchos — the common mallard —the Duck Pond hosts avian guests from around the world, justifying its new global status. There was, for a time, even a confused hawk that landed and was assimilated into the local population. It even tried to wade in the pond, albeit with limited success.

When asked about this series of events, avian citizens of the Duck Pond chose not to respond in any recognizable human language, making it difficult to ascertain the hawk’s motives or the residents’ subsequent reactions. Upon further investigation, the hawk appeared to have left the territory.

Due to its new status, the Duck Pond is now open to any independent state for fishing, navigation, overflight, laying pipelines and scientific research. However, these protections do not extend to drinking the pond water. For legal reasons, the Excrement does not condone drinking Duck Pond water, although technically this is a free country and most students are legal adults, so do with that information what you will.

The Duck Pond can further be classified as an international waterway, which enjoys the freedom of navigation. Similarly to the Copenhagen Convention of 1857, which opened access to the Baltic Sea, the Duck Pond will now be open to international trade of goods and commodities.

“We look forward to possibly expanding international trade,” MSU president Weeded Cruz said. The Duck Pond is crucial to exporting MSU products, such as leftover bread from the MSU Barley, Malt & Brewing Lab and concrete canoe prototypes from the Norm Asbjornson College of Engineering.

However, disputes may ensue between the U.S. and Canada regarding ownership designation, considering the Duck Pond’s close proximity to Canada (about 1,722 kilometers.) The Canadians already claim that the Northwest Passage, the sea route that connects the Atlantic and Pacific oceans through the Arctic Ocean, is internal waters. The U.S. officially regards the area as international waters, so the Canadians are starting to get snippy about the new status of the Duck Pond in retaliation.

Experts predict economic sanctions on Canadian goods shipping through the Duck Pond may well be the next course of action.

“We will, under no circumstances, allow Canada to claim ownership of the Duck Pond,” Governor Greg Giant Fort said during a contentious meeting in Town Hall last Thursday with both human and avian political representatives. “The sanctity of international status must be maintained for Montana's economic future.”

Any agreements regarding the U.S./Canada dispute would be entered into the International Freshwater Treaties Database since the Duck Pond is a freshwater source. The database provides a fully searchable catalog of all agreements that relate to international freshwater resources.

In any sense, on behalf of MSU, “We are excited for what this new status will bring for our ducks, students, faculty and our institution as a whole,” Cruz said. “Go ‘Cats!”