Excrement police reports for April 1

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Recently, crime has been running rampant across campus in response to lack of snow removal on the sidewalks, as students feel the deep snow prevents possible police pursuit. To help protect students from falling victim to any situations like these, the Excrement has decided to detail some of the most recent campus police reports happening around MSU. Be safe out there, Bobcats!

• March 2, 13:08: Subject reported a suspicious-looking cat that appeared to be stalking him. Upon further investigation, it was determined that the perp was simply Champ waiting for the subject to finish his lunch.
• March 5, 09:43: Multiple callers reported seeing “terrifying monsters” roaming campus. Officer on scene discovered the “monsters” were just Griz fans that wandered into Bozeman by accident. 
• March 6, 23:14: Caller reported a group of teenagers digging in the park and acting suspiciously. Officers arrived on the scene and discovered that the teenagers were anthropology students “playing Indiana Jones.”’
• March 9, 08.05: Student reported “feeling targeted” by President Cruzaddy’s new “Pure Bronze” emails in which she complains about students on campus. When questioned by an officer, Cruzaddy reportedly claimed there was way too much positivity happening in the “Pure Gold” emails, and students needed to get “knocked down a peg.” 
• March 11, 14:56: A mysterious van was reported driving slowly through the campus. Upon investigation, it was discovered that the van belonged to the Parking Services. The driver was sentenced to life under MSU’s new “Anti-Lurking” policy.
• March 12. 10:34: A “free thinker” was reportedly removed from campus after protesting the lack of a “Conservative Studies program.” The subject claimed having only a “Liberal Studies” degree available was against the Constitution. 
• March 15, 00:54: Caller reported a strange odor coming from their neighbor's dorm room. After further investigation, it was discovered to be Rendezvous tater tot casserole left over from last week.
• March 17, 15:21:  Art student indicted for “sitting in the middle of 19th street as a protest for lack of career support in design programs.” The subject was informed that they should expect to be unemployed, so these services were not needed for them. 
• March 18, 17:01: Multiple callers reported a student being attacked by a duck on their way to class. The altercation was said to have taken place after the student was ‘waving their sandwich’ in the suspect's face. Both were cited for disorderly conduct.
• March 21, 11:19: A large construction vehicle was reportedly discovered on the third floor of the MSU library following a three-day weekend. How it got there is pending investigation. 
• March 23, 04:34: Police reported to Jake Jabs Hall after receiving reports of petty theft. It turns out the business students were running a large-scale operation stealing crayons from the CDC learning center across from them. 
• March 25, 18:45: A chemistry teacher was busted for making “rock candy” in an underground lab with a local chicken restaurant owner. 
• March 29, 06:23: The subject reports Wilson Hall’s roof has fallen in. It was discovered by an internal investigator that the university has been diverting funds from the College of Letters and Science in order to fund expenses for their new “Bobcat Armed Forces For Domination of UM” program. 
• April 1, 00:00: Poly Sci teacher exiled by MSU PD because of repeated attempts to encourage students to “secede from the Union and start their own country,” because that went so well last time.