Exposé: what’s inside the “Montana Burger”

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers.

The dining halls are staples of life on campus, from hand-made omelets and pizza to coffee and cereal. Each day the hard working staff prepares meals for the student body to enjoy. However, students still have some constructive criticism when it comes to MSU’s Culinary Services.

“I think the school should invest in more forks,” sophomore Johnny Test responded when asked, what aspect of Miller Dining Common do you think could use improvement? Test also explained how he has mastered the art of eating spaghetti with a spoon because he often wasn’t able to find a fork. 

Other students came forward to discuss the disturbing use of both dining halls after dark. “Even after they close, every light stays on. It seems like a waste of electricity to me.” senior Meryl Streep explained. Streep went on to give a possible reason for this event. “I was coming home from a friend's house around two in the morning and saw a blurry outline of Champ the Bobcat in the window of Rendezvous,” implying that Champ uses one or both of the dining halls as his home at night. Champ himself gave no comment when asked about this circumstance. 

But when students turned their attention to the menu a few things stuck out. Of the many popular items on the menu, the Montana Burger raised a few questions. 

“I’ve seen beef, bison and even elk burgers on the menu. You’d think that one of those would make up the Montana Burger, but I believe it’s something entirely different,” junior Sean Kingston said.

It is true that the university does not specifically detail what all goes in this “Montana Burger” which has led to questioning from students on the matter. Others expressed their misconceptions about this item, even going so far as to say the university was using the burger to cover-up the number of ducks lost over summer and winter break. 

“I came back and noticed a few of my favorite ducks were gone, and no one could explain why!” senior Reba McEntire said. “The university neither admitted nor denied they could have been made into burgers when questioned.” This line of thinking has gained considerable support around campus, especially when McEntire started a petition in late January asking the university to release its duck records. 

Trevor Brazile, director of Culinary Systems, said, “We just receive the ‘Montana Burger’ meat in individually wrapped allotments a few times a semester. Our staff has instructions to treat them like any other meat product on campus.” Brazile explained that powers higher than himself seemed to be involved when it came to this particular burger.