First and last: dating gone wild

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

In the dating scene, romance-based offenses are considered especially embarrassing. At MSU, the dedicated journalist who investigated these sticky situations is part of an elite squad known as the Excrement. These are their stories.

Dating is a gateway drug to more serious relationships, though this may not always be the case. While dating can be exciting, it is not uncommon to experience some humps along the way — and not the good kind.

First-kiss stories are hardly ever romantic. For Morgan DeGeorge, this sentiment holds true.

DeGeorge told the Excrement that in high school she found herself in a situation with romantic potential. However, this possibility was cut off after an untimely joke ruined what could have been an amorous first.

“He pulled away from our kiss and said that was bad,” she said. “It was kind of a joke when he said it, but...”

Dating is the gift that keeps on giving. Not only does it offer the potential for awkward first kisses, but entire first dates can be unpleasant.

Winter brings on many unique romantic experiences, perfect for first-date planning. Whether it be ice skating or cheeky little snowball fights, the possibilities are endless. Having said that, the winter weather tends to lose its charm once the snow exits the outdoors and enters the front of your jeans. Lily Austin was unfortunate enough to experience this firsthand.

Austin quickly noticed red flags as soon as she sat down with her date for dinner. “We were talking, it was fine, but he proceeded to take his straw wrapper off and shoot it at me. Hit me right in the face.”

Following dinner, Austin and her date made their way to the bowling alley. “We get to bowling and he goes try-hard mode. You know what they say about guys and being good at bowling, I guess,”  she said.

After breaking the ice with his straw trick shot and impressive bowling performance, Austin’s date had one more activity to check off his list. “We went outside and it was snowing. I grabbed some and playfully threw it at him so, of course, he proceeded to suplex me into a snowbank,” she said. “I was done then. I got up and turned around to leave, and he spun me back around and dumped a handful of snow down the front of my jeans.”

While some dates leave you in the cold, others can make you feel stuck in the backseat — especially when the person you’re with seems to be more interested in their car than you.

Stacey Blake recently hit the brakes on a date when she realized the guy she was with couldn’t talk about anything other than his beloved Honda Civic. “I’m not even joking. I think he probably kisses his car goodnight every night,” she said.

After getting picked up by the guy in his fiery chariot, Blake and her date made their way to an elegant dinner. “Every second was filled with him talking about his car’s modifications,” she said.

At the end, Blake's date asked her for a favor. “He asked me to pay the bill after he ordered two appetizers for himself and the most expensive meal on the menu,” she said. “In any other scenario, I would’ve, but after listening about the thousands of dollars he spent on his car, he couldn’t at least pay his half?”

Although some people feel the need to flex their wealth with fancy first dates, others like to take a more humble approach.

Gabby Montgomery told the Excrement that she attended a basketball game as a first date. Once the game ended, she and her date went to McDonald’s. At this point, her date took control of the conversation. “We sat in his car and talked for two hours. The whole time, it was about him and how he hates poor people.”

Once it was time for her to leave, Montgomery exited the car before grabbing her water, to which her date responded: “You’re not gonna take the water I paid for?”

“It was a 25-cent water. My phone and keys were still in the car. I just needed to get out first,” Montgomery said, noting the date’s especially romantic aftermath. “He sent me a song about women using men for fame. We never spoke again.”

Conversation during dates is crucial — it allows you to get to know who you’re seeing and if you want to keep seeing them.

Deniz Bean was asked out via Instagram DMs. “He told me we would be going to a fancy French restaurant downtown so I could practice my French,” she said.

Rather than practicing French, however, Bean found herself sitting through some troubling banter. “He was very proud of his jiu jitsu skills. He told me he could break my arm in one swift move. I friend-zoned him afterward,” she said

Some dates feel like an April Fools' joke — only you’re the punchline. But hey, at least they make for great stories, right? So to all the MSU singles out there, remember: Dating may be a comedy of errors, but if you’re lucky, you might just find someone who appreciates your awkward moments.