Five inches of snow is enough, Bridger analysts claim

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

While many Bozeman locals have lamented this season’s remarkably thin snowpack, meteorologists insist that it doesn’t take much to have a good time. In fact, several analysts claim that storms resulting in just five inches of new snowfall is more than enough — and way above average for most of the world.

“I get it. People think more is always better, but that simply isn’t the case,” Cherb Schlander, local NOAA snowpack analyst, explained. “I’m more than confident that five inches of fresh snow gets the job done. It’s all about what you do with it.”

According to Schlander, a mere 33% of the Earth's surface receives snowfall, most of which only occurs seasonally. Therefore, even with our thin base and mild winter storms, Montana still finds itself in the lucky minority.

“Five inches [of snow] is way above average. When you think about it from a global perspective, it’s actually, like, a lot. Anyone fortunate enough to have more should consider themselves spoiled. Even four or three inches of fresh snow serves its purpose, for crying out loud!” Schlander said.

When asked why his eyes were watering, Schlander burst into a fit of rage and denied the Excrement’s further questioning.

A forecaster for the Gallatin National Service Avalanche Center, Willy Dinkle, agreed with Schlander's perspective. Dinkle has been working as a meteorologist for 12 years, and claims to know what five inches of snow looks like. 

“I love five inches of fresh. That kind of snow can turn some people's days around, especially when it's right on top. Hell, I once skied so hard after a five-inch storm, I could barely walk for days,” Dinkle said.

Dinkle claimed that any additional fresh snow would be cumbersome and often too much for people to handle.

“My wife just got back from a girl’s trip in Utah. She keeps bragging about how she got 10 inches down there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her, but to me it just sounds exhausting. What do you even do with all that?” Dinkle explained. “Also, I was going over our bank statement, and it looks like she barely left the hotel. If she really thought it was fun, she would’ve skied more.” 

As the season winds down, Dinkle hopes to promote a greater appreciation for storms of all sizes. His aim is to inspire confidence in local skiers, many of whom feel bogged down by the supposed ineffectiveness of mild snowfall.

“It’s absolutely crucial that young people learn to be happy with what they’ve got instead of buying into unrealistic and downright erroneous standards. Ultimately it's not about the size of the storm, but rather the competence of the person wielding the skis.”