Hats off to the Honors College

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers.

Just when people thought there couldn’t be any more changes around MSU, the Honors College announced the new mandatory task for incoming freshmen. The Honors College will start sorting their incoming classes with a sorting hat. Yes, a sorting hat.No, this isn’t Hogwarts, but it appears the Honors College is finally embracing the vibe given off by the Quads. 

The Dean of the Honors College, Elsie-Mary Gee, attributes the policy change to binge-watching Harry Potter movies while social distancing. “While doing some spring cleaning, I dug up my collection of all eight Harry Potter movies. Of course, they are all in mint condition. One night I decided to unwind by tossing on my Snuggie® (my best purchase of 2008) and throwing in “The Sorcerer’s Stone.” Six bags of popcorn, four Red Bulls and 19 hours and 40 minutes later, I finished the series. It was this drowsy state that led me to one of my best ideas to date: A sorting hat!” You could see Gee’s excitement with a golden twinkle in her eye that words can’t fully capture (or maybe it was Zoom buffering — I don’t know). 

“After a few days of thought, I refined my idea. I decided the hat wouldn’t be any ordinary hat. No, it would be a cowboy hat. We live in the great state of Montana after all!” Gee explained.

Currently the logistics are a bit fuzzy, but Gee assured me that they are coming along quickly. As of now, true to J.K. Rowling’s novels, there will be four different houses — Griffinmore, Slidderin, Hufflepump, and, of course, the MSU-inspired Magpieclaw. The houses will help identify which Quad each student will reside in, as well as which Texts and Critics class they’ll be placed in.

Gee also believes that this house system may strike up some healthy competition among the college. Only time will tell. Stay tuned, as the Exponent plans to release updates as the story develops.