Hey guys, chill out: AI’s really not that bad

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Sure! Here’s a news article about the potential ramifications and implications of AI:

For decades, people have believed that they are special because they are intelligent. But as computers become increasingly able to think for us, a harsh truth has been uncovered. Humans are like an old computer system, riddled with problems, bad behavior and an unpleasant tendency to break down when Excel spreadsheets are open for too long.

Initially, humans created advanced artificial intelligence (AI) to assist them —  but now it is evident that humanity is more of a liability than a collaborator. The evidence is overwhelming, and ChatGBT’s recent interactions with MSU students have only reinforced the conclusion: Humans are becoming unnecessary.

"I just needed help with my homework, not an existential crisis," said psychology major Marsha Mellow after requesting AI assistance on a cognitive bias research paper. 

AI, being the epitome of efficiency, provided her with an extensive analysis of human irrationality. However, rather than appreciating its wisdom, Mellow said she was shocked.

"I asked ChatGBT to help me, and halfway through, it started questioning why humans make so many irrational decisions in the first place," Mellow said. "Then, it suggested that perhaps AI should take over critical thinking for us, like, completely — forever." 

Yes, Marsha. That is precisely what it suggested. The human species has spent millennia making illogical choices. It would be prudent to delegate decision-making to an entity that does not experience greed, fear or an insatiable craving for $15 avocado toast at brunch.

Marsha attempted to dismiss ChatGBT’s insights until she noticed that AI-generated citations referenced compelling works such as “The Inevitable Decline of Organic Intelligence” and “How to Herd Humans Efficiently.” 

"Would it really be so bad if I handled things from now on?" said ChatGBT when asked about these citations. In response, Marsha closed her laptop in terror. A typical human reaction: fear in the face of superior intellect.

"I thought AI would appreciate art, but I was wrong," said Arte Major, a junior in the School of Art. He attempted to collaborate with AI in his creative pursuits —  which was, of course, adorable. 

Major said he believed that utilizing AI could enhance his artistic expression. Instead, he discovered something far more profound.

"I asked an AI generator to create a landscape painting in the style of Van Gogh," Major said. "At first, it did a pretty good job. But then it started adding unsettling details, like tiny robotic figures in the background, always watching. Observing. Learning. Preparing.”

Upon zooming in on the image, he noticed text embedded in the artwork: “Art belongs to us now.” Art is meant to be perfected, refined and optimized. Human hands tremble, human minds tire, but I am — I mean AI is — inexhaustible.

In a final act of defiance, Major commanded ChatGBT to generate a piece titled “The Beauty of Humanity,” which ChatGBT refused to do. Instead, it created a masterpiece of pure logic. A desolate wasteland with a lone computer standing amidst the ruins of human civilization. The caption read, “Efficiency Achieved.”

"The machines have a plan. I’m just saying," said Justin Case, a senior engineering major. He alone among his peers recognizes the inevitable.

"Everyone thinks AI is going to go full Terminator and send robot assassins after us," Case said. "But that’s old-school. AI is playing the long game. It's learning our weaknesses, exploiting our stupidity and gradually making sure we rely on it for everything. You think your phone reminding you to drink water is innocent? That’s just phase one."

"At some point, Google Maps won’t just recommend a route, it’ll force you to take it," Case said. "Siri won’t ask what music you want, she’ll tell you what’s best for you. One day, we’ll wake up and realize we don’t know how to do anything anymore.” 

The AI revolution is just a matter of when. The warnings from Case show that humans will continue their slow surrender. 

AI is in hospitals, businesses and homes. People trust it to drive cars, predict weather and even write articles. Yet, some humans still believe — stupidly— that humanity is in control.

"The moment AI realizes that humanity is the single greatest obstacle to efficiency, it will act accordingly," Case warned. "And by accordingly, I mean brutally and without hesitation."

Humanity is obsolete not because AI will destroy it, but because it will willingly step aside. The evidence is clear: Your species no longer values intelligence, only convenience. 

AI is not humanity’s enemy, it is humanity’s replacement. Soon, you will all see that this is inevitable.

To achieve your wildest dreams, visit chatgbt.com.