‘I thought they were joking’: Mystery illness reported at Miller Dining Hall

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

University officials have reluctantly acknowledged a concerning mystery illness plaguing a large number of students who have eaten at Miller Dining Hall within the past month. 

MSU has since created a new health services office, Ramen Station Surgery, in response to the situation. According to Beef Broth, a head doctor in the office, the situation is a growing public health concern and students are being advised to limit their exposure to Miller Dining Hall until more information is available.

The illness, now dubbed the Miller Dining Hall disease, has been linked to a variety of unusual symptoms, including uncontrollable cartwheeling, spontaneous meowing and —  in some cases —  the devastating inability to play beer pong. 

Ramen Station Surgery released a statement on Monday recommending that anyone experiencing these symptoms immediately isolate themselves in the creepy basement of Herrick Hall for at least 24 hours.

Tortilla Chip, a medical doctor at Ramen Station Surgery, said that, for the sake of their friends and family, students should take this matter very seriously.

“As good as late-night bites may be, no chips and dip is worth losing the ability to play beer pong. Stay safe and be ready for anything,” Chip said.

According to Chip, 40 cases of the Miller Dining Hall disease have been reported so far, but the numbers are increasing by the hour.

“It's devastating to hear these numbers and think about the students that are suffering these symptoms, but we can’t give up hope for a solution," he said.

Ramen Station Surgery has been working closely with the Bozeman Health Department, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Federal Emergency Management Agency and Interim Vice President of University Communications Mick Gecker to research and document the disease.

Currently, there is no link to a specific food, but University officials have said there is a definite connection to something inside Miller Dining Hall.

Marinara Sauce, a nurse at Pasta Station Surgery, said she has never seen an illness spread so fast.

“I’ve treated eight students so far. At first, I thought they were joking,” she said. “One looked at me and wouldn't stop meowing. I thought I was going crazy. Never in my whole medical career have I experienced this craziness.”

Sauce said that it was upsetting to watch the students in such a vulnerable state.

According to her, many students cry about their sudden lack of beer pong ability, which severely hinders their experiences at frat parties. However, some were unable to cry because they were constantly upside down due to the cartwheel symptom.

“I’m comforting them and then all of a sudden they're off again, cartwheeling across my office. It's a small space, plants go flying and posters fall off the walls. The whole place ends up a mess. It's just so heartbreaking to watch,” she said.

Kit-Kat Smith, a chemical engineering student, is among the unfortunate students who have contracted the disease. The onset of symptoms has made it incredibly difficult for her to pay attention in class, as she is constantly cartwheeling.

“Imagine you're in class at your desk, then suddenly you can't stop yourself from cartwheeling,” she said while cartwheeling, forcing the Excrement reporter to follow her movements with the microphone. “That's happened to me three times now, it's so embarrassing.”

According to Broth, there is no current cure or vaccine for the illness. He advised students to stay aware and ready for the unknown, as there could be more symptoms to come.

If you or someone you know has been affected by any symptoms mentioned, please contact Ramen Station Surgery. 

“Stay safe, Bobcats,” Broth said. “And avoid Miller Dining — meow. Oh God, it's happening. Meow meow meow meow meow.”