Llamas to replace CatTracks next school year

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

On Feb. 29, MSU Monarch of Parking Services Crandy Randall announced that the campus CatTracks shuttle system will be shutting down. Randall proposed that his new electric rocket, the Millennium Falcon, be its replacement. MSU President Wallamazado Cruzaldo promptly vetoed the proposal in favor of a more sustainable solution: pack llamas. 

Campus CatTracks launched at the beginning of the 2024-2025 school year in an attempt to slow threats made by the student activist group Several Students of MSU Against Parking Services (SSMSUAPS). According to Randall, this effort has been unsuccessful so far.

“We’ve actually seen a dramatic increase in SSMSUAPS threats this year,” Randall said. He cited the rise in parking violations and the lack of available spaces as reasons for these threats.

During a top-secret University meeting inside the Chick-fil-A kitchen on Feb. 29, Cruzaldo proposed pack llamas as a peaceful way to reduce the widespread campus hate towards Parking Services. “We’re hopeful that llama rides to class will make students forget the fact that they have to park a mile away from their classes,” Assistant to the Monarch of Parking Services Dale Dwyer said. 

Several students noted concerns about the reliability of llamas as transportation, including junior Mark Prast. “They can’t tell time,” he claimed. “How are they supposed to be on schedule if they can’t even read a clock?”

Llama Llama Red Pajama — renowned author of his self-titled autobiography and president of campus llamas, who gained the ability to speak through falling into the Duck Pond and becoming infected with amoebas — assured the Excrement that time telling would not be an issue. “Time telling will not be an issue,” he said. Red Pajama declined to elaborate. 

During an exclusive information session open only to out-of-state tourists, Cruzaldo pointed out some pros of using llamas as transportation. “We won’t need to hire bus drivers because llamas drive themselves,” she said. “The money that we save with llamas can be put toward our next big project — an on-campus trampoline park.”

Cruzaldo briefly mentioned that construction for the trampoline park would shut down parking near the Outdoor Recreation building for most of the school year, but refused to take questions on the subject. 

Prast and the other meeting attendees questioned the importance of a campus shuttle system. “Would we even need llamas if there were enough parking spaces?” senior Maya Samuel asked. 

Despite concerns, Cruzaldo and the Parking Services leadership have begun the llama hiring process and hope to begin the program for the 2025-2026 school year. According to Dwyer, the llamas will be available from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays and follow a similar schedule to CatTracks. The service will be free to everyone except MSU students, who must pay for a Llama Lot Parking Pass, starting at $1,500 a semester. 

To purchase a Llama Lot Parking Pass for the 2025-2026 school year, visit https://www.montana.edu/parking/permits.html.