Local man celebrates end of pandemic by staying inside

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced that, as of Friday, March 26, 80% of the country had been vaccinated and we have indeed reached the nationwide goal of herd immunity against Sars-CoV-2. People across North America are rejoicing as life is returning to its pre-COVID-19 state. Wild parties and giant music festivals are being held in every city. When asked what his plans are for celebrating the end to the pandemic, Bozeman resident Peter Kuntz said, “I’m going to stay in my room and watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.”

Kuntz’ friend, Brian Speckles, is going to Miami, Florida, and had an extra plane ticket he was willing to give to Kuntz for free. Kuntz refused the ticket because flying makes him nauseous. “Flying doesn’t just make my stomach sick. It hurts my ears, the seats are cramped and if you fall asleep your neck hurts for the rest of the day. The beaches are crowded anyways,” Kuntz said.

“It’s not like I’m not glad that the pandemic is over, I just celebrate in a different way,” Kuntz said. “The pandemic didn’t really mess up my life that much, honestly.” Even though he hasn’t seen his friends and family for over a year, Kuntz is in no hurry to go visit them.

Local musicians were hosting a concert on Main Street in Bozeman on Saturday, March 27. Many of Kuntz’ friends and neighbors attended, but they couldn’t convince Kuntz to change his plans. His longtime childhood friend, Bev Willis, commented,“Peter was self-isolating before this pandemic ever happened. We had to force him to go to the prom with his girlfriend. It’s just the way he is, probably didn’t even notice there was a pandemic.”

At the end of the interview, Kuntz began to realize his mistake. “You must think I’m crazy. The end of the pandemic should be celebrated and watching the ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy alone is a little sad,” Kuntz said, with tears rolling down his cheek. “Maybe I’ll change my plans.”

Peter then selected the “Planet of the Apes” trilogy and sat down on his couch.