Montana to Secede the Union to Join New Zealand

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

It’s official: sunny skies and warm weather soon arrive in Montana with the bill titled SB 406, The Make Montana New Zealand Act, sailing through the state House of Representatives and on its way to the state senate.

Next week, state lawmakers will review a proposal to secede from the union to join New Zealand. The bill, SB406, was proposed by Senate Minority leader Pat Flowers of Belgrade, MT.

“There are way too many Californians coming into Montana. They are buying our homes, ruining our economy, and crowding the mountains. If the state decides to proceed with The Make Montana New Zealand Act, out-of-state residents would be forced to return to California,” Flowers said.

This bill arrives at a turning point in Montana’s history. Within the past decade, Bozeman and other cities around the state have seen insurmountable increases in their population. Perhaps the great migration inland is driven by the high costs of living near the coasts, but regardless, the people who lived here before the great migration have noticed significant changes to their state.

“Ever since they started filming that “Yellowstone” show, people have flooded the state. City boys from California, Washington and Minnesota walk around our main streets wearing Ariat boots when they’ve never been to, let alone seen, a real ranch. If we can pass this bill, “Yellowstone” will not be broadcasted in the country,” said Montana Governor Gregory Giant.

That also means “Yellowstone” star Kevin Costner will finally be able to retire from Hollywood. Costner has some big plans for the new territory of New Zealand.

“When the act passes, I will buy out Ikon resorts within the territory, lower lift ticket prices, enforce reservation systems, and implement a more local approach to mountain management,” Costner said.

Another classic Montana-themed production, A River Runs Through It, will be re-filmed, starring old Brad Pitt in New Zealand, on one of the world’s most renowned trout fishing rivers.

The territory of Montana would see an extensive overhaul of its governing system. The first is switching from the United States presidential system to New Zealand’s parliament system. Governor Giant will run for Prime Minister against Monica Geller, and the election’s winner will assist in creating the new constitution.

Citizens of Montana are the most excited about a possible weather change. Weather systems will bring tropical, ocean-scented air north to Montana if the bill passes. This will bring the beach to Montana while maintaining conditions at higher elevations that are suitable for year-round skiing and riding, something New Zealand is known for. Plans to help Montana residents assimilate to their new culture will include free scuba and surfing lessons, and each household will be gifted a large fishing boat.

“We are excited to hear this bill; it would bring great opportunities to our territory,” Flowers said.

Be sure to keep your eyes peeled this week, as deliberations over the act will begin on Saturday, April 1.