MSU finally adds national chains to dining directory

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers.

For centuries, MSU students and faculty have begged the administration to add a chain restaurant to the measly dining options currently offered on campus. Finally, in 2024, the wait will end, with MSU’s recent announcement that a Chick-fil-A, Jamba Juice and Shake Shack will open on campus. 

While universities across the nation, including Purdue, University of California Santa Barbara and Louisiana State have long offered chain options such as Subway, Einstein Bagels, Dutch Bros. Coffee and many, many more, MSU has held off on expanding its dining options. As President Crawdad said in a statement a few years back, “MSU simply despises chain restaurants, and there is no possible way that a student body nearing 20,000 could possibly want anything other than what we offer in Miller.” However, after hearing feedback from several admitted students who chose to attend universities elsewhere to boycott the limited dining options, the administration signed leases with the new restaurants.

The new dining options will be housed in buildings throughout campus. Jamba Juice will open in the SUB, in Ballroom C, which will be transformed into the juiciest, most hip ballroom of all. Chick-fil-A will open next to Norm’s Cafe in Norm Asbjornson Hall, and Shake Shack will open in the lobby of Jabs. Each operation will accept cash, card or CatCard, as well as campus meal plans – just like every single college dining franchise across the nation.

Currently, MSU has two dining halls, one, two or three (depending on whether students feel like showing up to work each day) coffee shops and the Union Market in the SUB. Previously, students also had access to Avogadros, Wild Flour Pizza, Jim Bridger Grill and the Fork in the Road food truck, however all these options have shut down and disappeared since COVID-19 struck (RIP). Featured menu items in the dining halls, Miller and Rendezvous, respectively, include mozzarella sticks soaked in water waste from residence hall restrooms, Chinese food (with a mighty-side of cross-contamination), and hamburgers made from the meat of poisoned rats. If students opt for Miller to satisfy their mid-day cravings, they may even get to have a small, furry guest at their table – last year Dining Services added the eat-with-a-mouse option to meal plans. With all these fantastic meal options, it’s no wonder MSU has held off on adding chain dining to the menu for so long.

The opening of non-campus affiliated chains is a major step in MSU’s attempt to be as highly regarded as other colleges across the nation, in categories that matter, at least (What does R1 mean?). The opening of these restaurants will bring wealthier students (whose parents are more likely to donate to the university), as well as smarter students (who will increase the university’s national ranking). The Excrement reached out to the youngest college student in the nation, Samantha Radish, who has an IQ of 263 and was admitted to MSU’s College of Engineering in 2021, but chose to attend a university elsewhere for the sole reason that it features a Long John Silver’s. “I can’t believe MSU finally chose to take this step. If they would have done it sooner, I definitely would have attended, but I just can’t give tens of thousands of dollars to a school where I can’t get a chicken sandwich with a side of impeccable customer service every afternoon.”

Some backlash from the administration has surfaced following the announcement of the new retail operations. “(Expletive) Jamba Juice. Those fruity, long haired Californians can take their all-organic eating-disorders-in-a-cup and go back to where they came from. $11 for a smoothie while we only receive $8 billion each year in donations to the university? Students can suck it up and spend half their savings on a meal at our dining halls,” said Dining Services General Manager Milk Cookievich in a press conference. “College students don’t even know what they want to eat. Only giving them the choice between undercooked pies and day-old pizza saves their peace of mind.”

Despite the university pushback early in the decision-making process, a whistleblower in Montana Hall sent in audio recordings, taken from the Office of the President, in which you can hear President Crawdad telling her assistant, “I don’t care what Cookievich says, I can’t eat one more undercooked chicken tender from Miller. If I don’t have a peach milkshake and waffle-fries on my desk in the next hour I QUIT.”

Plans for the design of each restaurant are in the works, and students will face no added tuition fees for their construction, since the dining retailers will take the brunt of building costs. The MSU student body has long awaited such an announcement, and students can now rest easy knowing their dreams of strawberry-banana smoothies and crinkle-cut fries will soon come to fruition.