MSU president takes advantage of allotted outdoor time, disappears

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

MSU President Brick Testman was reported missing yesterday after disappearing during one of his daily walks around campus.

“He’s gone. I have no idea where he is,” said Executive Assistant to the President Jeems Toblerone. “Usually, we tell him he has to stay within a half-mile of Montana Hall, but he’s been so good this week, I told him he could go outside of that range if he wanted. I think that’s how he got lost.”

Testman, who reportedly goes on at least a dozen daily walks around campus, typically returns to his office in Montana Hall whenever Toblerone shakes a Tupperware of tart cherries out of the window while whistling loudly. According to Toblerone, the dull thunk of the cherries hitting the side of the container reminds Testman of his childhood in Michigan.

“When he ran away the first time, I got him to come back with the cherries, but I tried shaking the container for an entire hour this time and it didn’t work,” Toblerone said. “I just hope he will make his way home before his afternoon finance meeting.”

Toblerone convened a special task force of top MSU administrators to search for Testman after the University Police Department said its officers needed to help Parking Services issue tickets before they could begin searching for the wayward president. 

“I feel extremely honored to be involved in the search for President Testman,” said Dean of Students Mark Cayres as he bushwhacked his way through the foliage near the Forestry Science Laboratory with a machete. “I know that together, this University can come together. That’s what it means to be a Bobcat. When our president wanders too far, we find him.”

Provost Bobert Bokwa was assigned to search the more distant parts of campus because he is the only MSU administrator who has a bike, according to Toblerone. However, during Bokwa’s search, he accidentally trapped himself inside the llama enclosure across the street from Yellowstone Hall. 

“Help! Help!” he screamed in response to the Exponent’s questions as he biked desperately in circles, pursued by llamas. 

Vice President for Administration and Finance Torrential Least and Vice President for Student Success Stede Swimford were tasked with designing and putting up missing posters of Testman. However, Least and Swimford immediately got into an argument about whether or not to use University funds to pay for color printing.

“He’s equally recognizable in black and white. If we want to print posters in color, we need to institute a new student fee to cover those costs. It costs a lot to print in color,” Least said while stealing printer paper from the MSU Library. 

Vice President of Information Technology Rayon Gnutson was told to search the MSU Duck Pond for Testman, but said he was too distressed to do so. 

“I knew we needed to put an AirTag on him. I told Toblerone we had to when he ran away the first time,” he said despondently while sitting in his office with the lights off. “Nobody listens to me.”

Toblerone has asked anyone with information about the president’s disappearance to come forward. 

“It is absolutely imperative that we locate President Testman. It takes way too long to hire a new president,” he said. “I promise I will not let him go on as many walks in the future.”