New school-wide dress code inspires unprecedented backlash

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

MSU President Walden Cuzco recently released a statement to the students that’s been receiving quite a bit of heat. “In an attempt to bring in more big bucks from California, MSU will be pivoting to an even more ski-bum-centered culture. We’ve found that the seasonal-worker, GORP-core vibe really entertains tourists. We want to keep the cash flowing Bobcats,” Cuzco wrote in a recent email titled “Bridger Bowl, You Are PURE GOLD!”

Cuzco’s initiative aims to implement a new dress code for students to make the school more marketable to out-of-staters. “Lets see some pata-gucci, Arcteryx beanie, Carhartt workwear school spirit this spring ‘Cats!”. 

Starting this coming April, Cuzco will bring this new dress code into full effect. Students who are not appropriately dressed will be forcibly removed from classrooms and lecture halls and sent to Cash 4 Clothes in order to get correctly fitted out.

To some students, the adjustments are having minimal impact “Huh, I wonder if that’s why REI’s garage sale has been so dry recently,” fish and wildlife major Fernie Crampon. Crampon states that he had no worries about the dress code being put into place. 

However, others on campus have been rejecting the changes. “I ain’t gonna be caught dressing like some sissy, and they can’t kick me out. My family’s been in Montana for five generations,” said equine science major Maverick Zynski. Recently, there have been large gatherings of students outside Lindley Hall and the Animal Bioscience Building. The students have been seen holding signs expressing their frustrations. 

Some are quite typical: “my body, my choice” or “don’t tread on me,” though others are getting creative. “I ski in jeans and I’ll be godd*mned if I can’t go to class in them too” writes freshman Jack Daniels. “All these [redacted] and [redacted] are ruining this state with their [redacted][redacted],” Daniels said. Though he was asked to clarify, Daniels gave no further statement. 

Fortunately, despite the backlash, the initiative seems to be having the desired effect. Throngs of tourists have been gathering on campus to watch students hammock and slackline. “It’s just so good to come out here and reconnect with nature,” Big Sky homeowner Chrishell Tesla said. “My husband and I came out here from Orange County a couple of years ago, and we were just really ready for a simpler way of life, you know?” Tesla said, pausing to take a picture of students by the duck pond. “Bozeman is just so funky, I’d never want to live here but we love the culture. Sometimes we take the jet down just to go to J. W. Heist!”

For students who struggle to conform to the dress code, seminars are offered Thursday afternoons in Montana Hall. However, some students have opted to concuss themselves rather than attend the seminars as they find it easier to wear Chacos in thirty-degree weather after a couple of good hits to the head.