Parking Services conquers Wilson Hall, imprisons students

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Many may know Wilson Hall as the home of the College of Letters and Science, but in a truly shocking turn of events, Parking Services has overtaken the building and transformed it into a jail for people who complain about them.

“I was so afraid. I only wanted to ask about my parking ticket, but suddenly I was blindfolded and thrown in the back of a van,” said freshman business student Shawn Crickets as he recalled the traumatizing turn of events that led to his imprisonment. “I ended up here, behind bars. I don’t know how to escape.”

“There are over forty of us in here. I don’t know why they’re doing this, but they’re also towing our cars in here too,” he said. “I think the giant pile of cars might fall on us soon, it’s getting pretty tall. Please spread the word so that I can go back to my dorm and feed my snails.”

Parking Services appears to be waging a war of never-before-seen proportions on the MSU community. Their time of passivity is over, and now they’re on the offensive.

“I’m so sorry I parked in a Bobcat Lot even though I only have a Stadium permit. I promise I’ll never do it again,” Crickets begged a masked Parking Services employee, who proceeded to pelt him with balled-up tickets until he fled for safety into Wilson 1-154.

It also appears that Parking Services has learned martial arts to bring down students. “I was tearing up a ticket that was stuck under my windshield wiper when suddenly seven of them appeared and roundhouse-kicked me to the ground. I started screaming for help but nobody responded,” said senior graphic design student Taylor Wilkins, who is now also behind bars for her misdemeanor. “I could see people watching, but I think they were too afraid to help me.”

Parking Services going rogue is not unprecedented in MSU’s history. In 1986, the director of Parking Services decided to tow every single car in the parking lots and build a giant fortress around Montana Hall overnight — much to the distress of administrators who were trapped inside. For the following seven weeks, the Montana National Guard had to airlift in supplies as negotiators worked to bargain with Parking Services for their freedom.

The standoff ended with only one tar-and-feathering which occurred, unsurprisingly, in the courtyard of Wilson Hall. Negotiators called it a win, Parking Services called it less than deserved.

Nobody knows quite why Parking Services was allowed to resume power over the parking lots of MSU following that incident, but it is suspected that it was because of fear of further retaliation.

In this warzone, Parking Services grows bolder every day, even venturing into MSU territory to carry out its acts of vengeance. “I was sitting in the dining hall, and I was complaining about a ticket I got because I parked on that weird hill in front of the SUB,” senior physics student Gregory Gregorivich said. “I didn’t know that was when my life would change forever.”

“Suddenly, one of them slithered out from under the table like Voldemort in that one Harry Potter movie and grabbed my ankles. He swung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and carried me away. I just want to see my family again,” he said.

According to Gregorivich, the prisoners in Wilson Hall — now colloquially referred to as the ‘Parkin’ Penitentiary’ by students on campus — are being fed the expired Starbucks drinks from the first-floor vending machines and occasionally forced to fight for scraps of Rendezvous tater tot casserole.

“I wish I’d never mentioned that stupid ticket. They have eyes and ears everywhere. Don’t make the same mistake I made,” he said miserably. “Trust nobody.”

In any regard, a formerly peaceful Wilson has been transformed into a truly menacing sight. Parking Services vans are parked in attack formation around the entire building, and every employee is armed with a pad of tear-off blank tickets and state-of-the-art 2023 Pilot G2 Retractable 0.07mm Gel Pens.

They’re locked and loaded to give out dozens— if not hundreds— of parking tickets, and stopping them doesn’t seem to be an option this time.

Because everyone else in power has been imprisoned for parking violations, renegade groups have appeared on campus to gather intel and plot the downfall of our new Parking Service overlords.

One of these rebels is Wilson W. Wilson, the local ghost that haunts the besieged building. Every day he scopes out the scene from the safety of Reid Hall with binoculars. “It’s absolutely crazy,” he said. “They’ve built like ten chevaux de frise in front of every exit and pathway leading to the building. I also think they’re towing cars in there to help fortify the walls. I don’t think anyone’s getting in there anytime soon.”

Wilson is also rumored to be planning a preemptive strike on Wilson Hall along with his mysterious forces of the night, but he chose to flee into the little-known Romney Hall attic — which seems to be his base of operations — rather than give a statement regarding these campus suspicions.

As of this moment, it appears Parking Services will continue to hold dominion over MSU students and faculty. The fear they inspire is unmatched, and it’s clear they aren’t holding back this time.