Police reports from the week of April 1

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

Each week, the University Police Department receives thousands of calls for action. The Excrement took a look at its service log and, in an effort to better inform the campus community, compiled a list of the most relevant, heavy-hitting and serious emergencies. 

Sunday, March 29. 

• 04:20: An anonymous report alleged that Dean of Students Mark Cayres has actually been the organizer of the infamous Tour de Franzia bike event for almost 10 years. When questioned by law enforcement, Cayres said, “Who? Me? What?” He denied the allegations and his bike was taken into evidence. 
• 10:34:  Emergency Medical Services responded to a series of intense injuries resulting from an unruly hacky sack circle outside of Montana Hall.
• 18:44: A group of performative males attempted to start an altercation in front of Rendezvous Dining Hall. According to law enforcement, this was an easily resolved issue, as the subjects were too nonchalant, chill and seasoned to effectively fight.

Monday, March 30.

• 08:28: A university studies student was fined for being late to class. When asked what the issue was, they said they couldn’t pick an outfit to wear that morning — similar to how they couldn’t pick a major.
• 12:56: Multiple calls came in detailing that an unidentified University administrator was seen jumping out of the bushes and begging people to let him give them wet willy on their way to class. 
• 15:48: There was a call about a student athlete running over pedestrians on their electric scooter. When officers arrived at the scene to take the perpetrator into custody, he resisted arrest, claiming to be above the law because of the football team’s recent national championship win. The perp was a basketball player.

Tuesday, March 31. 

• 09:55: A student was placed under arrest after vaping in the women’s bathroom in the basement of the Renne Library. The student begged the officers for one last hit as they were taken away in handcuffs.
• 12:05: A bouncy castle was erected by Chick-fil-A in the Strand Union Building. Multiple calls were made regarding the safety and legality of the bouncy castle. Additionally, many head injuries were reported after students jumped too high and hit their heads on the ceiling.   
• 16:49: There were multiple reports of large animals roaming campus. Upon investigation, it was people dressed in fursuits. When law enforcement asked them to state their business, the group only responded in growls and barks. After bringing in a translator — Champ the Bobcat — it was understood that the furries were trying to recruit using a theriotype quiz. This was unsuccessful as no student spoke animal. 

Wednesday, April 1. 

• 07:37: A reporting party called with a question about the legality of driving their car onto campus sidewalks to get to class more easily and avoid walking. They were specifically curious if they could drive from Reid Hall to Romney Hall on the sidewalk. Law enforcement advised them not to do that. 
• 13:65: Champ the Bobcat was seen smoking weed in the cupola on Montana Hall. When asked to vacate, Champ said he got too high and could not move. Investigation is pending and Champ requested assistance from local firefighters to get down. 
• 17:36: Call received claiming a car vandalization in progress. When officers arrived on the scene, it was just Parking Services issuing a ticket. Officers found this unlawful as the Parking Services employee fined the errant vehicle one million dollars.