President Crubado unaware “Dune” is a work of fiction

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers and should not be construed as truth.

The MSU Athletic Department boasts a number of programs with a proud tradition of winning, but MSU President Wabed Crubado wants them to think bigger. In a Friday, March 22 press conference, Crubabo outlined her vision for the next big draw in MSU Athletics. “We are a cutting-edge university, and our sandworm racing team will reflect that reality.”

The remark drew laughter from those in attendance, but the emotion in the room quickly shifted as it became clear she was not joking. Director of Athletics Lionel Castillo was seen massaging his temples as questions were shouted from the crowd. Crubado ignored those questions and continued with her prepared speech.

Needless to say, the questions were still waiting for her at the conclusion of the speech. Most revolved around sandworms being fictional species from the “Dune” novels and movies, a fact that did not deter President Crubado.

“Who’s seen the movie?” Crubado asked. When a number of hands went up in the room, she said “point proven” and refused to elaborate.

A number of staffers from Crubado’s office attempted to end the question and answer session, with no success. When one reporter sarcastically said that a potential location for the races would be on 11th Ave. since it goes straight through campus, Crubado readily agreed. “Lisan Al Gaib,” Crubado said while nodding vigorously. That reporter was then promptly hired as an advisor in the president’s office.

She took a seat in the front row as Castillo took the helm of the press conference. He appeared to know that a racing team revolving around a fictional species was an impossibility, but was unwilling to say so in front of his boss.

“We are facing an uphill battle here, but it's not the Bobcat way to give up. That’s why I am calling now on our donors to step up here and help us raise enough funding to get the best sandworms and the best riders. If all goes well, we can have a team ready to compete by the 2025 season.”

When it was pointed out to Castillo that the best sandworm rider would obviously be Timothée Chalamet, he attempted to walk back his promise. “Timothée does have five years of college eligibility left, but I’m not sure if we’ll have the NIL funding to lure him here, to be frank with you.”

Crubado then weighed in, her eyes now glowing a bright blue color. “If he is the best rider, then we will have him. I’m not sure how long it takes to get to Arrakis, but if we get him coming now then he’ll have time to meet his teammate.”

The comment raises a litany of questions about what rules would be for a sandworm racing team, but those questions went unanswered as the group of reporters grappled with the fact that she still believed “Dune”was a work of nonfiction. The only other answered question was that Crubado wanted Zendaya as the teammate for Chalamet.

The press conference came to an abrupt end when a woman in a dark veil used the Voice on Crubado, commanding her to crawl into a dark, oily bath until it was time for her to solicit donations for the university.