Professors packing up

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. It does not necessarily represent the views of the Exponent or its writers. 

Dr. Paul Pinky, an assistant teaching professor in the Department of History and Philosophy, has just become the first teacher to have every single one of his students drop out of his -100 level history course. This is an impressive achievement considering his initial student roster of just over 300 seats. Pinky shared his secret with the Exponent via Zoom interview yesterday, Thursday, April 2.

“The way I see it, the rulebook was thrown out the window the second they [Montana University System] transferred our classes to online. That first day, I sent out an email letting students know that none of their previous assignments would be counting towards their final grade. I’m talking about ten-page paper assignments here. Five of them in total and now they’re all completely worthless. I think I had about 40 students drop out within minutes of that email.” 

Pinky then set forth a paper-a-day work schedule for all seven days of the week. “Boom, another 50, just like that. As soon as they read that they were out of here and I made sure to make the instructions extra vague to encourage them.” The ones who remained soon noticed an odd discrepancy in their grades. Pinky modeled for the Exponent how his system works with a six-sided die. “So, what I did was assign a number for each possible grade. Me rolling a one gives the paper an F, two is a D and so on. I roll a dice for each paper and assign a letter based on what I rolled. Six is a reroll.”

Once an email pertaining to the grading system leaked 150 more students dropped the class. “For the last 70 to drop the class, I really had to get creative. So, I sent out these incredibly cryptic, vaguely threatening emails and haven’t checked my inbox sense. In fact, I haven’t checked the emails since the beginning of spring break. I don’t want the student’s problems to bum me out. Then whoever was left after all this work on my part, I just gave an F. They all bailed after that.” 

Now Professor Pinky is set to enjoy the rest of his quarantine without the hassle of having to do his job. We wish you a restful next few weeks, Dr. Pinky.

*After the interview Pinky held with the Exponent, Pinky received an email from the Dean of History and Philosophy outlining the terms of his termination.